"Your vision will become clear only when you look into
your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside awakens." (Carl
Jung, Swiss psychiatrist)
Since the
death of my first partner by suicide, it’s amazing just how much crap I’ve
taken off people. I suppose that I have allowed it because I felt like I
deserved it. I’ve been paying penance
for so long, I am completely overdrafted. I blame myself for what happened to
Doug, I have since the moment I saw him lying on a metal slab, frozen and very
much dead. Guilt, especially survivor’s guilt, has been a prime motivator ever
since. I then promised myself, and him, that I would make it a priority to be
kind and understanding towards everyone, especially the mentally ill. I made a
commitment, albeit post-mortem, to turn such a negative experience into
something better, into a productive experience. This has not been an easy feat,
no matter how sincere my intention. I have tried to make what happened that
cold February night a catalyst, an impetus to lead me. Over twenty years later,
I still try as I might, yet it seems rather impossible to do. There is
something so foreign about being kind to everyone. Even Jesus got pissed off
outside the Temple .
No matter how I try, I always seem to come up short. It’s difficult loving
everybody. It’s even harder being kind to everyone. People tend to get on my
last nerve. Every day that I come in contact with other mortals, I find myself
drifting away from my mission statement. I cannot help but prognosticate what
will be. Each day is another journey down that damn rabbit hole. I step out the
door, and in a second or two, all the words mean little. In a sense, there are
no more promises to keep.
“I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.
The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.” (Mark
Twain, American writer)
I try not
to judge other people. After all, who the hell am I to condemn anyone? I
completely understand the cliché, “Therefore but by the grace of God go I” (John
Bradford). It’s not always easy putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, let
alone walking in them. It’s difficult not to evaluate another person based on your
own biases. We really have no choice in the matter. Existence is always
subjective. While my father is much more Christian than I ever have been, his
theology has taught me a thing or three nonetheless. He constantly reminds me
that one must learn to discern rather than judge. These “powers of discernment”
(Hebrews 5:14) come from learning to
gauge a situation rather than pronouncing condemnation. Rather than judging
others, we should be judging ourselves and our ability to discern between right
and wrong, good and evil. Until we learn to direct empathy at ‘me’, we cannot really
find it when approaching or dealing with another. I get it, I try to live it.
Rather than cursing other people, I try to have some semblance of empathy, no
matter who they are. While I have not had the most pleasant of journeys, I can
only imagine the misery that people less deserving must go through. You have to
train yourself. Rather than relying on impulse in response, we should be acting
on instinct. It can be so very hard to do. Still, I try not to judge other
people or myself. It’s the most important part of my mission statement.
“Always begin with the end in mind.” (Ellen Muth, American
actress)
I try to
have compassion, even for murderers and terrorists. Just imagine what someone
who murdered their spouse or ran over a child while drunk driving must
experience in the afterglow. I’m sorry, but I felt pity for Jeffery Dahmer and
I sympathize with the madness of Omar Mateen, from the Pulse nightclub
shooting. I have been publicly mocked and ridiculed by many Christians for
taking this position regarding my compassion. I think it’s disgusting when
someone professes agape love then condemns a criminal to the death penalty. People
tend to rebuke you when you actually follow the teachings of their religious
mentors. Jesus commanded his followers to see Him in those they deal with, in a
stranger we will find Him (Matthew
25: 34 -40). We should remember that rule applies even to those in jail (“I was
in prison and you came to visit me”, 36b). Having sympathy and understanding
towards any criminal does not mean you condone or agree with what they have
done. You can still hate another person for their actions without dismissing
them as a human being. It should be our mission statement to apply the rules to
everyone, not just those whom we find acceptable to our terms. Compassion knows
no separation and everybody is worthy to be loved, even if they don’t deserve
it.
“Vision is the art of seeing the invisible.” (Jonathan
Swift, Irish satirist)
It doesn’t
matter how aware I am or how enlightened I think I am, something always comes
along to remind me I’m as hopelessly lost as everybody else on this planet.
Recently, I picked up a stomach bug and was heavily ill for just over a week.
The worst part was the vomiting. At one point, I couldn’t keep water down. The
entire experience went on and on for far too long. I started to lose myself in
it on day four. Through my haze I cried out to God, begging Him to help me. I
made bargains and many promises to keep. I felt like karma had come and that I
was being punished, yet again, for something I had done to go against Him. In
my weakened state, I was a babbling thing. Sad and floundering and very much
overcome by raw emotion. I condemned myself in my stupor. I judged myself for
my misery. I suppose that even an Atheist will cry out for God, given the right
circumstances. Not that there is anything wrong with that but for me, it is not
really part of my nature. It’s strange how we spend so much time considering
others and yet we forget to consider ourselves. We judge ourselves far too
easily. No one is perfect and no one ever will be. Even in our compromised
state we should remember to love ourselves, first. You can’t be kind to another
unless you can be kind to yourself. This is the most basic tenet of any mission
statement
“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity:
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream
with open eyes to make it possible.”
(T.E. Lawrence, British writer)
(T.E. Lawrence, British writer)
I am flawed
and imperfect. I make mistakes and I struggle with this life just like the rest
of us do. No matter the trouble, no matter the fare, somehow hope always seems
to float for me. I have no reason to be a good person. This life has offered me
little in terms of payment. I am happy because I choose to be, not because of
any real reason I have been given. I have learned many things along the way and
I have ignored just as many. I doubt, I question, I feel. I am constantly aware
of just how human I remain. Of all those
understandings I have gathered along my way, there are few that rumble on a
constant basis. We live. We learn. We move on with our lives. Sometimes the
truth cannot help but rise to the top. We spend so much time trying to develop
loving relationships with those close to us that we lose sight of anyone else
who may pass our way. We really tend to only love those who love us in return.
We forget about the faceless, nameless minions who trudge through life with
much more contempt than any person should have. We must take the time. You will
never have a chance to be the answer to a prayer unless you do. Whether to
yourself or to others, be kind. This is
my mission statement. After all, as Jesus noted, “If you love those who love
you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them” (Luke 6:32, NIV).
“When you discover your mission, you will feel its demand.
It will fill you with enthusiasm and a burning desire to get to work on it.”
(W. Clement Stone, American businessman)
(W. Clement Stone, American businessman)
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