The Drawing Board

Paper Monster
part two

            Once god decides to incarnate, the paper monster from the Old Testament transforms into his own son, Jesus. On the surface, this change is for the benefit of all mankind. Suddenly, the sacrifices once demanded in scripture become simply one sacrifice, a sacrifice which is meant to appease the Godhead for once and for all. Somehow, in order to conciliate himself, god leaves the ether behind and substantiates into human form. This incarnation is not some matured and war-torn monster from the past but rather we find god fresh and young and seemingly more docile than when in his previous form. The truth is, a god appeasing himself by sacrificing himself seems like something a mortal idiot would do. Jesus was supposed to free us from the complications made through the Hebrew covenant and laws, not bind us to them. Jesus may seem kinder and gentler on the surface, but he is still a warrior at heart. People don’t change and this god is very much a human being. More like a carbon copy than an original, the pomp and circumstance may have shifted but the message is pretty much the same. Do not be fooled by this lamb of god. He is not what you might think he is. Jesus is the messiah, come to live and then to die, but his voice is the same old warrior god from the Old Testament. He even tells us so, like a warning we are informed, “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword” (Matthew 10:34, NIV).

            There is no question, this god is fully human. He not only lives a life but he most certainly will die. I would have thought things would change once Jesus manifested. In a sense, they did. Instead of threatening death like his father, the son of god threatens everyone with hellfire and punishment instead. For those who do not follow the path of Christ, they will be removed from his flock and burned for eternity “with unquenchable fire” (Matthew 3:12, NIV). Mankind continues to be expendable. The monster in the closet is still the same, just the fangs are different. This is not the Saviour I believed in growing up. Then again, god was ethereal and up in heaven. He was a nice old man who loved everybody and wanted us all to get along. I never dreamed that ideas like hell and sin were actually considered real by many people. In my mind, I could never have imagined that god/Jesus would abandon humanity to the fire pit of Gehenna. I still don’t  understand how so many can follow such a being. A loving god who casts out those he loves because they somehow failed him is perhaps the most mortal characteristic we place on this ‘divine’ creature. The forgiveness and mercy we are expected to bestow on others is sorely lacking in this version. The terror of eternal torment is, we can conclude, for most of us. Jesus is clear, the majority of people will end up abandoned by the very being they were seeking. These lost souls will try to “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:13-14, NIV). I have to wonder why god, in the first place, needs to warn us regarding something a true God would never do. Holding a grudge is not a divine attribute. All the punishing, scare tactics and the like seem suspiciously human if you ask me. Forgiveness is demanded from us but we do not hold the Judeo-Christian god accountable for failing to give it to us. When judgement overturns forgiveness, it appears that God has gone missing and some form of man has taken charge.

“I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” (Exodus 33:19, NIV)

            Jesus can come across rather limited. When people refuse to follow him, or deny him, or reject his teachings, he gets very angry. He does not seem to discern between those who turned from him and the rest of the population. All are lost for the inaction of a few. He condemns entire cities to hell fire solely for the act of non-repentance. He speaks to them, asking, “Will you be lifted to the heavens? No, you will go down to Hades. For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Sodom, it would have remained to this day. But I tell you that it will be more bearable for Sodom on the day of judgement than for you” (Matthew 11: 23-24, NIV). So follow me or die? Such insight, such understanding yet they bring nothing but judgement and woe on those unrepentant towns. Where is the omniscient acuity a god would possess? Oh right, I forget this is the very human who claims to be such a god.  One would imagine that an incarnate god would recognize the complexity of existence. Being a mere mortal must have enlightened him. Things on this planet aren’t always so black and white but Jesus just seems to validate the Old Testament monster he was supposed to reconcile us to.  Rather than compassion and empathy, mankind is met with disdain and judgement. When god ordered that anyone who disrespects their parents should be killed (Exodus 21:17), it was a different time than that of Jesus, just as it is a different time for us than when he lived. Instead of recognizing the flaws and limitations of humanity, and using them for dialogue and rapprochement, it appears killing children for such a benign act is okay. Easy for Jesus to say (Matthew 15:4-7).
            When Jesus warns us that he “did not come to bring peace, but a sword (Matthew 10:34, NIV), I can picture him standing, sweeping through crowds of sinners with his glory and might. I can also see a dove, and a lamb and nothing but the blood. That this warrior would meet such an end makes for good literature. Just requiring that type of sacrifice for the universe to work properly makes no sense. It is here that god becomes repugnant. This explains why Jesus has no problem with what his father did to the world of Genesis. After all, he will bring the same when he returns from wherever it is that he was going. If not by flood, then greater for, “As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man” (Matthew 24:37, NIV). Only a human-like god would have no problem drowning everyone on earth. Like father, like son. It really is irrelevant since all those punished will not only die but be tormented forever in hell regardless (Matthew 25:46). The messiah seems to relish the idea of a place where all mortals can be sent to the punishment they so rightly deserve. I can’t figure out why he just doesn’t send  us all there to begin with. I hear it’s a dry heat. Jesus can even come across manipulative and somewhat pseudo-intellectual. He tells his disciples the reason he speaks to the crowds in parable is to confuse them.  He informs his followers, in secret, all these wonderful things but he hinders everyone else so that they might not be given forgiveness. This confusion will hinder them from seeing the truth. He shares with his special entourage that, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to those on the outside everything is said in parables so that they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven” (Mark 4:11-12, NIV). Only the righteous man, the person who produces what Jesus calls “good fruit” will be saved. If you do not “bear good fruit” you are to be “hewn down, and cast into the fire” (Luke 3:9, NIV). What about rotting fruit that used to be good fruit but was abandoned and left to nature? What if you produce some good fruit and some bad fruit? What if you’re not a fruit? Apparently, Jesus is not only a lumberjack but a grocer as well.

            As an example to parents everywhere, god gives up his son to death by crucifixion. Not only does he require this act in order to save the world (from himself) but without it all are lost. God has his son/himself slaughtered, well knowing the world that is to come. Jesus as man-god is brutally tortured and murdered, all for a blood sacrifice. It’s a good thing there are no volcanoes in Israel. Of course, like a good businessman would do, there are conditions on the sacrifice. It is not freely given. We must believe in the Christ or perish and lose our salvation (John 3:16). Once he has ascended, Jesus becomes much more than a man. The hints of warrior throughout the New Testament now manifest in the risen lord. It is clear, Jesus plans on returning to earth but in a much more divine capacity. He stills acts like a child throwing a temper tantrum. With his return, there will be no peace. With his return, there would be no mercy. Jesus returns like a thief, in secret, but will eventually burn up the entire earth and everything on it. In fact, “the heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare” (2 Peter 3:10). It is in the book of Revelation that we fully come to understand that everyone is doomed, well except for 144,000 Jews, no one else (Revelation 7:4, NIV). Kind of makes the entire salvation thing just a little anti-climatic. It is here that god and Jesus tag team against humanity. They empower four horsemen to kill one quarter of the earth’s population (Revelation 6:8 NIV). Jesus takes command and with eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth (Revelation 6:8). At this point, it’s hard to find any sign of the prince of peace so many people believe Jesus to be. He is now the warrior King, who will rule with “an iron sceptre” (Revelation 19:14-15, NIV). Using the sword in his mouth, he will “strike down the nations.” Reading about these monsters on paper makes one want to go back to the drawing board and start this god thing all over again. Maybe this time we shouldn’t make him so human.

            The ideas most people have regarding their “God” are limited. Most people don’t even bother to read through scripture let alone apply the lessons found within it. We get a basic notion of our god from our culture, then we make the rest up as we go along. I suppose it is true that with any holy text, you always find what you’re looking for. I am sure that if I reproached the character of God from a more positive and favourable angle, he would still come across rather human. To love, charity, mercy and forgiveness are all lovely sentiments but they are human attributes, not divine. Omniscience and omnipotence cannot be defined, let alone ascribed. It seems god is sovereign, he rules and so will Jesus. God is good, despite being one of the most monstrous characters in all literature. Jesus fares better but only by proxy. Since good and evil are relative terms, how could the real God be one or the other? Only a man would entertain such a schism.

Photos

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/why-didnt-jesus-write-anything-down

https://redeeminggod.com/why-was-the-bible-written/

Sources

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/long.html

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/crossexamined/2014/07/god-loves-the-smell-of-burning-flesh-human-sacrifice-in-the-bible/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahweh

http://thewritepractice.com/anthropomorphic/

Paper Monster

Part One

“My enemies turn back;

they stumble and perish before you.

For you have upheld my right and my cause,

sitting enthroned as the righteous judge.

You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked;

you have blotted out their name for ever and ever.

Endless ruin has overtaken my enemies,

you have uprooted their cities;

even the memory of them has perished.”

(Psalms 9:3-6, NIV)

            There are many reasons that I am no longer a Christian. Mostly, it is the anthropomorphic version of God that I have discovered in the Judeo-Christian tradition. I have a huge issue with placing human characteristics on something unknown and unknowable. You can talk about God’s love all you want but in The Bible, both the Old Testament deity Yahweh and his son Jesus from the New Testament can, at times, seem more like our adversary than our saviour. On paper, God comes across rather human. Sometimes he is more monster than man. It’s not surprising to anyone who can read that God is supposed to be human, mortal or whatever you want to call this mess. When we learn that “God created mankind in his own image” (Genesis 1:27, NIV), we must examine the character of a God who is limited to humanity. It might be blasphemous to say, but there is no way in hell you’ll find me bowing to the feet of a mere mortal, regardless of the powers it may possess. When all I need to do is read scripture to witness God punish, condemn and murder, then we have a serious problem.

            Just because Ted Bundy loved his mother doesn’t make him any less of a monster. The same implication goes for the Judeo-Christian-Islamic fiend who hides behind concepts like agape love and love your neighbour. This does not appear to be his true nature. Any benevolent and all-loving appearance is just that. Instead he is a savage, small-minded and jealous creature. More man than Master, more deviant than docile, he appears oh so human because he is. This is the catch-22 of almost all religions. The way we portray God has little to do with what we know of our God. The two are not necessarily the same thing. We pick and choose what to believe, what to consider the truth. We have a cumulative interpretation, our own subjective experience with the Divine. We can add volumes of scripture and exegesis, but we only hold to that which serves our own purpose. From the destruction of mankind in Genesis to the Apocalypse brought on by an avenging saviour in Revelation,  this god is defined not just by the words he speaks but also by his actions. It’s clear to me that the “fruits of the spirit” demanded from us in the New Testament are only an expectation of the human beings who actually live on the planet. No deity will ever answer to mere mortals. We are to be better but god is not held to the same standard of conduct. After all, when you’re in charge, you can do anything you want. You can act and believe anything you want. You can even be a monster, all the while pandering to the minions with ideas like grace and mercy and forgiveness. Yes, within the pages of scripture there lies a gentler being. You can find it if you look. It rests, however, on the bones of all those that this god has sought out and destroyed. It would be a challenge for me to hold myself accountable to a beast that kills children, condones stoning and instigates genocide. It’s all on paper, so it is easy to find this monster. All you have to do is read.

  

           The god of the Old Testament loves the smell of burning meat. Particularly throughout the Torah, this very human sense is attributed to Yahweh, the war god. Over and over again, we are informed just how much god loves the smell of flesh set ablaze. He had Noah build him an altar for burnt offerings, then “The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma” (Genesis 8:21, NIV). Throughout the books of Exodus (especially chapter 29) and Leviticus (especially chapter 3), the same theme returns again and again. A smell of flesh is not this god’s only proclivity. He is a jealous, petty child who has to get what he wants or mankind can suffer his wrath. God gets angry. Apparently, he gets so angry that he decides to destroy all humans, animals, all life on the planet. He plans on drowning them one and all. God tells Noah, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them” (Genesis 6:7, NIV). In fact, God informs  Noah that he will “bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish (Genesis 6:17, NIV). When the deed is done, only Noah and those with him on the Ark survive. This is not some understandable judgment. From newborn babies to spiders, God wipes everything off the face of the planet. All are lost. These do not strike me as the actions of a loving God. Even the babies are destroyed. Seems like something a monster would do.

            On June 12, 2016, Omar Mateen, a 29-year-old security guard, killed 49 people and wounded 58 others at the Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. No one publicly cheered for the massacre. I heard nothing about how the shooter was justified because the victims were all queer. Abominations or not, people were horrified that this creature attacked so many, all because of their sexual identity. Of course, when God did it, it was just fine. To this day, people still validate the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah  because of the immorality in homosexuality. It was god after all, who “sent down burning sulphur ...out of the heavens” (Genesis 19:24, NIV). Whether god destroyed the two cities for the sin of inhospitality or the sin of homosexuality, he kills everyone. Every man, every woman, every child (from infant to newborn) is punished for the sins of the few (regardless of what those sins were). Like with Noah, he spares the “just and righteous,” the family of Lot. This excessive, unnecessary and violent encounter strikes me as something Hitler would do. It’s funny how we vilify one person for their behaviour yet we worship God for exhibiting the very same behaviour.

            God says, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” (Genesis 22:2, NIV). Abraham follows god’s instruction to the letter. He shows his love for god through submission and the willingness to murder his own child. Only a sick and twisted control freak would command something like this. It just smells of human. Just before the deed is done, god changes his mind and provides a goat to sacrifice instead. It’s just like a mortal to chicken out just before the throat is slit. Whether by flood or by fire, god exacts his wrath and contempt for man throughout the Old Testament. Isaac on a meat rack aside, these acts are considered valid just because god says that they are. Few ever question the nature that this deity exhibits. They use the New Testament as a justification but it too holds much to give me great pause. I guess you have to ask yourself, what would modern man think of a father who goes to sacrifice his child at god’s request? If this story was from a non-canonical text, we would be all over the savagery of it. Only a monster would ask, let alone promote, such a thing but since it is Jehovah, it is just fine and dandy.

            The Judeo-Christian god is a boastful and arrogant beast. Just as Moses thinks that all is lost, Yahweh decides to help in the most convincing way. Moses relays to Pharaoh that god will “send the full force of my plagues against you and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth” (Exodus 9 14, NIV). In no uncertain terms. he proclaims “I will ... smite Egypt with all my wonders” (Exodus 3:20, NIV). He seems to constantly need validation. He ravages Egypt, killing thousands, including the firstborn son of any Egyptian. He even sends Moses to Ramses with the message that god did such things so that “you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the Lord” (Exodus 10 1-2, NIV). The Lord struck down so many that “there was not a house without someone dead” (Exodus 12:30, NIV). The mass slaughter of so many at the hands of one being should bring much condemnation, unless you’re reading the Old Testament. It is very hard to imagine human beings doing this to each other, then again, god has been telling us to do it for years. He is justified because he is god. One can hide behind a “shadow of death” but killing children is never justified, especially from God.

            Who else but the biblical god could be so cruel? What can one expect from a god of war? After all, “The Lord is a warrior,” (Exodus 15:3, NIV). Judging from the actions god takes in the Old Testament, this “god of war” is more a military killing machine than the Host of Hosts. He has no problem conscripting soldiers that we later call “men of god.” He uses angels like they are weapons of mass destruction. God even sends his special forces against an army while they sleep, leaving thousands dead. We see that “the angel of the Lord went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning - there were all the dead bodies” (2 Kings 19:35, NIV). Joshua is god’s general. He follows instruction well. God sends Joshua into Hebron to “smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the cities... and all the souls that were therein.” Like a good solider would, “he left none remaining" (Deuteronomy 10:36-37, NIV). From Samson to King David, the Old Testament is riddled with men willing to follow this god at any cost. Its seems more like fear following to me; this god gets pissed off (Deuteronomy 1:36-37). On paper. this god can also be a  huge hypocrite. On one page, we are instructed that “You shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13, NIV). On the very next page, he contradicts his own law by conditioning  the punishment played against offenders of this law. It is made clear that we are to “take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise” (Exodus 21:23b-25, NIV). I guess Yahweh didn’t realize that an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

            The God of Abraham and Moses seems particularly human when it comes to his ego. He threatens his people, demanding, “Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” (Exodus 34:14, NIV). I just assumed jealousy was left to our very human frailty, yet we are once again menaced by this god because of how he feels. We learn that in modern days, 4 billion people are instantly doomed for not holding to the biblical god. It is clear, “Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the Lord must be destroyed” (Exodus 22:20, NIV). So that’s every Buddhist, every Muslim, every non-Christian, anyone on the planet who doesn’t believe in the Judeo-Christian standard can kiss their butt goodbye. The entire body of the Old Testament seems to surround this god demanding that we recognize him and only him.  Every time we do something wrong, god threatens to kill us. If we fail to observe the Sabbath, we are in much trouble. Not knowing whether to observe on Friday or Saturday or Sunday really seems irrelevant considering the cost for failing to do so. We must “Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it is to be put to death; those who do any work on that day must be cut off from their people” (Exodus 31:14, NIV). Like with any good tyrant, if you break the rules, you are executed. If you curse, or tell off your parents, you are to “be put to death” (Exodus 21:17, NIV). At one point (Leviticus), god threatens to kill someone on every other line. I had always imagined God was above such human failings. I believed He was a God of Love. The god of my father is more a god of death than anything else. As least, on paper.

           

            Despite the millions of people lost to the wrath of the Lord, there is no action more insane then when god orders people be burnt to death. Those people who have stolen from Israel have also stolen from Jehovah. Apparently, hiding the goods from your heist is a terminal condition. In fact, “The one who has stolen what was set apart for destruction will himself be burned with fire, along with everything he has, for he has broken the covenant of the Lord and has done a horrible thing in Israel” (Joshua 7:15, NIV). Of course, if you look deep enough into scripture, you can find very human characteristics placed on a very monstrous entity. While burning the flesh off a person seems a savage thing to do, it holds little to god’s order that as punishment men will be made to kill their brother, then feed on their body. For God’s sake, where does one draw the line between a god and that monster?

“By the wrath of the Lord Almighty

the land will be scorched

and the people will be fuel for the fire;

they will not spare one another.

On the right they will devour,

but still be hungry;

on the left they will eat,

but not be satisfied.

Each will feed on the flesh of their own offspring.”

(Isaiah 9:19-20, NIV)

Photos

http://www.ethikmainz.de/impressum/

http://www.faithgateway.com/what-happened-old-testament-sermons/#.WUggo-vytEY

http://www.teachingcollegeenglish.com/2011/10/01/swccl-spinoza-and-literary-criticism/

Sources

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/long.html

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/crossexamined/2014/07/god-loves-the-smell-of-burning-flesh-human-sacrifice-in-the-bible/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahweh

An Inside Job

            I stood beside her out of necessity, not want. The sanctuary was overflowing with believers. Each one stood chanting ‘Amen’ after ‘Amen’ after ‘Amen’. I found the only available nook to slide into while trying so hard not to disturb the ceremony. Apparently, I disturbed Phyllis. She didn’t smile at me. She just looked at me like my haircut was some plot by the devil to sabotage the service. I might not have missed much, being so late, but at this kind of church even a moment might pass you by. The sermon was driven, full of energy and appealed to every fear known to man. This wasn’t some Catholic refuge or Episcopalian asylum. This was a Pentecostal Church, bound deeply to the Word of God. Into the fire I walked, well knowing at any moment they might discover my ruse. The crowd stood in awe, with raised hands and unintelligently moaning. My neighbour took to the part but in what seemed like a reserved nature. Her journey with the Spirit didn’t stop her from looking at me like I was a criminal. I suppose the way I was dressed may well have convinced her. Still, she never said a word to me.

            The 1980s made many the victim of fashion. My ripped jeans, acid washed, and my giant earring look ridiculous in my mind now. Back when I had hair, it rose to a peak and stood frozen by my own will and half a can of hairspray. As I look at myself and how I must have seemed back then, I cringe. In desperation, I did anything I could to garner attention. I did not know it at the time but the angst I felt, the overpowering sense of defeat was more of a chemical imbalance than some flaw in my psyche. I could barely breathe back in those days. Everything was a challenge for me. Holding it all together is what led me to God. I believed at this time that He actually listened to those who cry out in need. When my parents discovered Pentecostalism, I had to be dragged into the experience. It wasn’t a safe place but it was easy to make it a secret place. I used it to hide just like the God I was trying so hard to find. When I sat down beside Phyllis, I was the picture of lost. I just didn’t let anyone know I was floundering.

            When the service ended and all the salutations had been tossed, I chatted with my friends for about half an hour. When the minister approached me., I was unaware that there was a problem. Unfortunately, some members of the congregation found my attire unsuitable for their church. I was ushered into the back office and to my surprise there sat Phyllis, in all her glory. She sure was smiling at me now. I was asked not to come back unless appropriately dressed. When I inquired what exactly that means, he simply instructed me that he was not at all amused. The words flowed out of me like puke on a Friday night. Quite magnanimously, and like a true smart ass, I pointed out one of his own sermons that I had to sit through. I thought God cared about our “fruits of the Spirit not our fruit of the loom,” I happily inserted.  I suppose when you walk into a den of lions you should be prepared to get bit. When you enter into such a place looking more like Boy George than a firm believer, someone may really want to hurt you.

“A good man, is a good man, whether in this church, or out of it.”

(Brigham Young, American missionary)

            I have seen the inside of many churches in my time. From the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California to St. Paul’s in the heart of Stratford, Ontario. I eulogized my first partner in the sanctuary of the latter. I have worshipped in them, sang in them and cried in them. There are so many that I could not even count them if I tried. While I spent the good part of my late teens babbling about at the Strathroy Pentecostal Church, I never ever felt like God was there with me. He may have been with everyone else, but I never found Him. It often occurred to me that He was probably off somewhere having Himself a good laugh. Of all the Churches and temples I have walked into over the years, there are only three where I actually felt a presence. You can tell when it’s God.

            Growing up in the suburbs of Toronto, even God was just down the street. For an impressionable child, he lived at 85 Parkwoods Village Drive near Victoria Park Avenue, in North York. The Parkwoods United Church boasted a triangular-shaped sanctuary, with high stained glass and wooden frames. You couldn’t help but discover its uniqueness every time you drove by. I still notice it to this day. Parkwoods was the first Church of my childhood. My earliest ideas regarding Christianity formed in the Sunday School rooms in its basement. Within its walls I was first exposed to Jesus and praying and a loving God. I believed every word, every instruction. Each time I would walk into the quaint space, I could sense there was something with me. I could feel it near me, all around me. I was a sensitive child, so perhaps this was nothing more than some otherland I used as a kid to explain things. I may have been just a kid but for me, I really believed that I could feel God (or at least Jesus). It has been rare since then.

            My father was a hardworking man. He regularly had to keep one or two extra jobs just to feed his five children. This is the price you pay for urban living. Throughout the 1970s, he cared for several different Churches. We all assisted with his tasks. The one Church, from those days, that stands out in my mind is located across from the Bridlewood Mall in Scarborough, Toronto. St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Anglican Church  is medium in size with an accompanying cemetery. Both my Mom and myself fell foot first into different collapsed graves. This necropolis tried to eat us both. The sanctuary was always dark on the Saturdays when we would clean there. I used to spend my afternoon cutting grass and dusting the inner sanctum. I spent a lot of time alone with God during my experience. I thought I was doing something wrong. This God was not at all like the God I had been taught to believe in. It was the same God, I suppose, but the one I embraced behaved much better. I did not fear this God. He was all mine. I could feel him near me. I could almost hear Him singing with me. What harmony.

            In the late 1970s, we relocated from Toronto to Strathroy, Ontario. My father took a position with the Strathroy United Church, located where Front Street and Maria Street meet. The original building was built in 1879 and still stands as the largest Church in the area. I was baptized at 12 years old in this Church and I was confirmed in the Church at 14. I taught Sunday School here for over 10 years and ran the music department for a time. For over twenty years, I helped my father and mother clean this Church. I know every nook and every cranny. I could still walk through it blind. The majestic ceilings and enormous sanctuary required diligent attention. I spent less hours doing homework than dusting the huge wooden balcony. In all the times that I spent at the Church, I rarely felt the presence I was constantly looking for. I could never find Him in the Golden Jubilee room or the minister’s office. He was absent during services and I never felt him once in all the hours of choir practice on Thursday night. In the quiet, slowly dispersing, as I sang out loud, I could sense Him. I would often turn around, well knowing there was someone behind me. I would sing and in the moment, I could almost embrace it. When my thunder was done, it reigned like a tidal wave would. I just knew it was Him. These days, not so much. I rarely feel this close to God. I haven’t felt this way in years. I get tinges of Him but it has nothing to do with the Church.

            Experiencing God is an inside job. While God is supposed to dwell within us, sometimes we need to bring in outside sources. We rely on this exposure to validate our experiences with that which we consider divine. We can search and search for God and never find Him. The places where we are supposed to be close to God are usually the furthest away. Sometimes, He just won’t leave us the hell alone. It all can be so very push and pull. It is nice to find safe harbour. There are just some places that you can’t help but feel the presence of something greater than yourself. I felt it when I visited Big Sur. I could almost touch it the first time I walked into Glad Tidings, a fundamentalist congregation in London, Ontario. All in all, it always comes back to the experience versus the venue. It wasn’t ever about the building for me but the experiences that occurred within each one. I recognize that most people never feel a closeness to God. I also recognize that some people experience God in surplus, their cup overflows. I like to worship in moderation. I occasionally even consider returning to a Church, maybe even in my new hometown. After all, at Parkwoods it came naturally. I didn’t even have to try. At St. Paul’s, it was there for the taking. I didn’t even have to try. At Strathroy United, I could find it whenever I needed, I didn’t even have to try. Not once in those buildings did anyone attack me for what I was wearing or the length of my hair. I may have been different but I was still a child of the one true God. I was welcomed and allowed to explore my spirituality. I was never forced out the door for the colour of my t-shirt. God was supposed to be an inside job, not an outside requirement. After all, isn’t that why we  have Churches? Love one another and all that good stuff.

Photo

https://revolfaith.com/2012/11/16/what-does-the-holy-spirit-feel-like/

Sources

https://www.google.ca/maps/place/Parkwoods+United+Church/@43.7613599,-79.3257576,17z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x0:0x949acb882ad4d5ea!8m2!3d43.7613599!4d-79.3235689?hl=en

http://strathroyunitedchurch.ca/?page_id=980

Over the Rainbow

            Life can be trying at the best of times. With all that people must endure on a daily basis, it can be difficult to see a way through it all. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol as an escape. Some people throw themselves into their job or their lifestyle as a means to handle whatever may come. Sometimes there is nothing one can do to be free from it, so people try to ride out the storm, deluged by the wind and the thunder and all the rain.  A few people, more than I would care to acknowledge, give it all up and surrender to doom. We all consider that option but only a few ever use it as the ultimate escape. Whether relying on social media or merging with your television screen, we all deal with things differently. Each of us suffers but how one reacts to the suffering is more instinct than conditioning. The way you handle life seems to be determined more by who you are than by what you experience. The latter may nurture the inevitable but I just assume it is a pre-existing condition that determines how we will react to the environment within which we exist. People like to think we all are different but at base, we really are more the same. Our reactions may be dissimilar but that catalyst always comes from the same place. We uniquely experience life but all our feelings are the same.  

            When we love someone, there are always special and commanding moments. We share in each other and relish the time we spend together. Some of the time. When we love someone, there are always dark and depressing moments. We ridicule each other, striking out through all the pain and bewilderment. Most of the time. Each person must face the challenge or sacrifice themselves to hopelessness. When someone loves, the very substance of what we feel is common among everyone. When we fear, we all feel the same fear. When we doubt, we all feel the same sense of anguish. There are a myriad of possibilities human beings experience on a daily basis, but every feeling we have is the same as anyone else would have. We may hate someone for different reasons. We may despise them and avoid ever speaking to them again. This is simply how we respond. Inside, we are on fire with rage, just like any other person would be. Our jealousy, our rancour, all our internal expressions are exactly the same as every other person on the planet. We all love different but it always feels the same. We all suffer differently but pain always feels the same. The more we seek to separate ourselves through our reactions to the crap life gives us, the more we can see that all those differences have a common ground, a unifying presence that we all share. We all sound very different but we all howl the same.

            If there is one component we all rely on during trying times, it is our imagination. It is the greatest coping skill that any of us possess. We all have an “outside” place that we can evade life just by visiting. Every person’s Otherland is unique unto themselves but the foundation it is built on is primarily the same. The destination may appear to be different, but the essence of this place is exactly the same in every one of us. We all escape for the very same reasons. Some may entertain silence as a form of  circumventing the constant drone of it all. Some may manifest great fantasy as a means of eluding the ups and downs. Some replay the past, over and over, in order to strive for peace and some are inclined towards thoughts of the future, a hope we tell ourselves is true. Each person, every mind, has that inner voice, that refuge from the storm. It is the same ether for each of us. We simply fill it with our own perspective. It all looks otherwise but it’s all the same. It is true that we all suffer, to one degree or another. It’s true that life is unfair and brings great chaos into our midst. Sometimes we don’t need life to punish us as we do it well enough to ourselves. Regardless, in trying times we all flee to our “happy place”. We evade so as to find our sanity. We rely on it to calm the storm. Under most circumstances, we find ourselves running to a good place in order to avoid the experience we are going through. Every person’s sanctuary is essentially the same safe harbour but all the boats are different in the bay. We all have the same place within us even though it appears to be decorated differently. We all have an Otherland and it lies over the rainbow.

“Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

There’s a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream,

Really do come true.

Someday I’ll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,

High above the chimney tops,

That’s where you’ll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can’t I?”

(Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Judy Garland 1939)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U016JWYUDdQ

           

            She laid in that hospital bed for months. Despite her confinement, she somehow managed to fit in a daily round of golf. She would close her eyes, pick up a club and play on. She knew it wasn’t real but she went there anyway. She found some form of contentment, even if it was all in her head. This was her happy place and it was a lovely spot to visit. She would stay there if she could. It brought her much needed relief.

            He sat in the same cell, day after day, all alone, so all alone. Haunted by guilt and regret, he took any opportunity to flee. The only real option he had was to find a better place in his mind. He was okay there. His mistakes had all been erased there. He would find his bed, fall upon it and then he would take to flight. He would fly away. Some birds are not bound to be caged. In his mind’s eye, he could actually soar. He often took to the skies to be free. His happy place brought much needed release.

            He had been going there for so long that it now seemed second nature. He bent down unto the freshly mowed grass and placed the flowers before him, just barely touching the stone and her epitaph. When he was here, he was never really here. The weight of this world was heavy upon him but he felt such peace kneeling beside her and the marker bearing her name. It was another place and time that he would meet with her. Together they would walk and talk and spend much needed time together. He knew it wasn’t her. He knew it was all in his head. He went there anyway. It was the only way he got through it, and the only thing on which he could rely.

            When he was home he brought with him fresh hell. For a 10 year old girl, it meant the smell of him and the weight of him. Her tears had long ago turned to stone. When he was not home, she went to a magical place. At school she would plan an escape but it was her home time, without him there, that was the best time of her day. She would sit with her Barbies and all her stuffed animals, and she would pour from a pot of tea for each and every one. In her castle, she was the princess. There are no monsters or masters with whom she must contend. It was her only refuge.

            This life has been unkind to him. He should be haunted by things from his past and he should fear what lies waiting for him in the future. He rarely thinks about them.

They are there but he is not. He rarely stops, no pause, like there is nothing at all to think about. In the strongest sense, he is free. When he lays down each  night, his mind is not filled with sorrow and regret. He just goes someplace else. A world of superheroes and their mighty acts fills his senses as he drifts into sleep. He is free there, free to rest.

            From the day she was born, life was a challenge. By the time she was 7 years old, she couldn’t walk, couldn’t feed herself or go to the washroom alone. It was really nothing but a waiting game. Eventually, all the child had left was within her. Unable to communicate and interact with other people, her entire world was all inside. She was happy there. She could fly there. She could dance there. It was really all she had. As she aged, she visited the moon and drank wine off the coast of Sicily. She was beautiful on her side of the rainbow. She was almost free and every day, she would run. 

“Some men dream of fame

And some of fortune

Some men dream about

Time gone by

All men dream of someone

They’d like to become

Cause without dreams inside us

Yeah, without dreams

How could we all get by?”

(The Dream Never Dies, the Cooper Brothers 1978)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9aR42FpP3c

Photo

https://seanmunger.com/2014/07/13/42-historical-objects-no-42-somewhere-over-the-rainbow-a-painting-about-climate-change/

http://ianwallacedreams.com/dying-dream/