Monday, February 26, 2018

Free Hand




            February is a tough month for me. There are so many days to commemorate that I get lost in the melancholy that I have known for over twenty-three years now. I get through those twenty-eight days, every time. It is not always an easy feat. The past I have known can haunt me, it tends to call out for me, bidding me to suffer some more. I give little heed to such notions. I have gone on with my life and in spite of the baggage I still carry, I do not fixate on such things. I have put them behind me and I do not like to visit them. This otherland is not a welcoming space. Sometimes they come to me without permission and I am left with little choice. Whether the day he committed suicide or the day I did, my visions at this time of year are not leftover sugarplums that want to dance in my head. These memories are hard and cold and often rather malignant. Focusing on them only makes things worse. There is nothing more freeing than a good dose of denial. All this getting over each moment, year after year, is both repugnant and redundant. I have learned a long time ago that one needs to let things go. There is nothing wrong with ignoring something and just going through the motions. Anything to just get through it. You can talk about it. You can even blog about it but find something better to think about. Life is loud so you have to learn to silence the noise.

“All that time I was searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget?”

            People tend to fixate on their problems. I don’t mean the daily motions that we all experience. Some people just cling to their own misery. They focus all their energies on what doesn’t serve them and abandon all that does. They hold to the pain like it is a cherished pet or a lost love letter now found. They can even seem to welcome the suffering. Perhaps this is a way for them to feel alive. Perhaps they have little else and find comfort in the world of “better than nothing.” Its okay to hold to whatever you want. If  you want to live in a make believe world where unicorns sing then more power to you. If you want to linger in your own doom, repeating again and again, my proverbial hat is off to you. Memories should sooth not scar. I’m not surprised by how many people I know who ruminate in them. Whether the death of a loved one or a horrible accident, each person should be given the time they need to process and deal. Every person will address the event in their own time. Many lose track of time and spend their lives being chased by ghosts and monsters. It can appear that some people get off on the pain. Its the only way they can function in the day to day. We all strive to have the familiar. We want to feel the way it used to feel, at least how we believe it did. Not every memory should be cherished. Sometimes you need to just move on. I know that is easier said than done but it is true none the less. Memories can be joyful but memories can also bring pain, great pain for many. So I try not to think about the nasty things that have happened in my life. I think I paid my dues a long time ago. I have no need to remember the  horrible landscape that made up my past. I’ll just pretend and go on living.
            Moving beyond your history does not mean that those memories disappear, never to be heard from again. If there is one thing for certain, the past doesn’t go away. It is always there, ready to release itself upon our happiness. Letting go isn’t just about not remembering, its about how you react to that stimulation. Its about the power you give to such negative things. Its about focusing on the pleasant things you have known rather than the pain and strife you have experienced. Its all about dwelling and moderating yourself. Rather than allowing something to haunt you, just ignore it and it will go away. You may have to repeat this cycle for the rest of your life but eventually it plays out easier than each time before. You have to learn to vanquish rather than embracing. Pay the bad, no heed. You don’t have to like every thought that you ever think. They can bring much damage given the right circumstances. This is one way I have managed to move past my life. I just don’t invest in my memories like other people do. I recognize the joyful, lovely things that have happened to me. I recognize the mundane, the everyday kind of inspiration. I am aware of the worst things my life has offered. I only visit these on rare occasions. I try to never outstay my welcome. I am cold to them otherwise. I try not to think about it, let alone fixate on it, even if its not for my own good. I have trained myself to go beyond my emotions, to control by “turning off,” so to speak. I no longer surrender, I moderate. I experience the memories but I dictate them, not the other way around. It is inevitable, in spite of my defensive position, that here and there I will not be able to avoid my true feelings. I just shut them off and start to vacuum. Any distraction is a key to a healthy mind set. Get up and stop rolling in the mud. Think about something else for God’s sake.

“I know you're going, but I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving,
It's like we never knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget?”

            He lived his life through the past. He hung on every memory, every moment that he had ever experienced. At least, he thought he did. Life had become unbearable, all his time spent focusing on what was instead of having what is. It was all so empty, so barren in spite of the pain it brought and the sorrow it manifested. He built his world around his escape, but he was escaping into something else. He could not find his way out of this otherland. He was trapped by what used to be and crippled by each day of existence. It all became an excuse, an excuse for not caring, an excuse for in action. Everything became secondary to his struggle, to his pain. The world went on without him. Chances came and went without a thought. Life became disposable, irrelevant. He once was not all alone. She left him when she couldn’t compete. His past was simply more important and it strangled their love for one another. He ignored it into silence and she silenced it all. She walked away without even a goodbye. Now he has more to relish. He made it so. Everything he took for granted, everything he failed to notice simply added to his misery. He had more to blame it all on.  He had fresh agony to mire him further down. Day after day he tells himself that life is unfair. He is greatly burdened by the weight of the things he once knew. His pain tells the story. He is an old man much before his time. When he reaches, the past does not reach back. It does not keep him warm at night and his days are just as empty. The past may come back to haunt you, indeed.

“You know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep.”

            Its true that if you chase away the past it will end up haunting you. It always comes back. This does not imply that we should ask it to move in and live with us. The things which have affected us throughout our lives may hold lessons. They may even have some form of importance in the greater scheme of things. The past is not meant to rule us. In fact, the past should free us. Once the past is past, you must move past it. You have to refuse it sometimes and just how you let it impact you. Make peace with your past or your past will steal your peace. Refocus, think of something better. Its like taking a pee. Sometimes you have to use your free hand.

“So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me
It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself
Now I want to spend my life
Just caring bout somebody else.”
(In Too Deep, Genesis 1986)





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Monday, February 19, 2018

The Territory



            I have always said that if one does not condemn a person’s behaviour then one condones it. There is a fine line between the two. Sometimes there is little room for either. We get to swallow it whole or puke it out. We are left with little option but to bite our tongue and ignore the obvious. It’s never easy deciding what to do. We have choices but those choices often leave us in a worse position than when we were assaulted, offended or found fault with another person’s point of view. There is little decorum left in this world. Even the people we are close to usually end up treating each other as if quite disposable. There is no excuse for such bad behaviour. It doesn’t matter if circumstance silences the truth. Sometimes we just have to distinguish between sinking to someone’s level or rising above it. We have to discern who to and not to listen to.

“Don’t take a ride from a stranger
No way to know where they go
You may be left on a long dark road
Lost and alone
Don’t you recall what your Mama told
You’ve got to learn hot from cold
When you're afraid that you might get burned
Where do you turn?”

            There is no question that I love me some comic books. To my surprise, I recently found a retailer who fit my requirements for collection. The warehouse is filled to the rafters with box after box of paper gold. I had never seen anything like it the first time I entered the split level library of joy. I am still overcome with some degree of happiness whenever I walk through the doors. My second visit was a tad less inspiring. As I stood thumbing through one of the Marvel sections, a group of four or five nerd-men gathered around the checkout and started a discussion on the best qualities of a woman’s vagina. I was not amused. The entire time I spent there that day was filled with misogynistic detail and inappropriate conversation. It was as if the owner and his minions didn’t even think about the customers they exposed to this repugnant thinking. I didn’t say a thing and spent $53.00 that day. Round three. The next visit was all about “the fags”. For over an hour, I leafed through Wonder Woman comic books (for my partner) and searched for titles from The Man Called Nova. One gay joke after another found me lacking. I still purchased $66.00 worth of my favourite things that day. It’s been going on like this for the past 2 years. Every visit just adds more, an unending diatribe of racism, bigotry and conservatism. I quite often feel like good old mister 45 is breathing down my neck. He hides among the boxes and baggies. He watches me flip through comics like I am North Korea and my missile is aimed at him. It can be distracting but it comes with the territory. It could be argued that by frequenting this establishment that I am excusing the behaviour but the truth be told, I don’t want to give up access to the library as I know it.  I can handle the xenophobia but I can’t handle restrictions on that wonderful hoard. Let them have their thinking. It can even be amusing, listening in on such conversations. I’ll take my comic books and I’ll pay the price for listening.

“You’ve got to know who to
Who not to listen to
You’ve gotta know who to
Who not to listen to
They’re gonna hit you from all sides
Better make up your mind
Who to, who not to listen to”

            I have family scattered throughout Ontario, Canada. Local towns like Strathroy, London, and St. Thomas all house immediate relatives like my siblings and their children. While my Mother’s side reaches far into Northwestern Ontario and Sioux Lookout, the concentration of her kin reside in the Central Ontario town of Hanover. My father’s family is primarily located just to the south in Wingham. I grew up playing there, bonding with my cousins there. Throughout my teens and twenties, I spent a great deal of time partying and puking in this rural slice of Canadiana. My relationship with the place and the people was long-lasting and the memories of such times hold great meaning for me. I suppose life looks after life and things change whether we want them to or not. Often, we don’t really have a choice. Eventually, spending time in Wingham became a part of yesteryear. Other things became more immediate, more important and the past suffered to one degree or another. Sometimes distance and time and obligation interfere with the way it used to be.  I always planned on dropping in again, on trying to restore some semblance of what was and making it what is. Once again, life tends to get in the way. I have a great deal of regret and remorse over my lack of involvement with my family in that little Central Ontario town. Somehow over the years, the people I was once so close to have faded away. I could use time and space as an excuse. I can justify my absence because of their mistakes. Perhaps, in the end, it is my mistakes that have dictated my lack of interest. In particular, it is my cousin Lisa I miss the most. We had a closeness all our lives but it has been shelved, dismissed, and for no real good reason. We should be more. It takes effort to fix the past. It takes motivation and exertion to resolve such issues. There is really very little that needs to be fixed. It takes commitment and work. This seems to be the explanation I have been looking for. I’m lazy, unmotivated and I have fallen into a safer place. It’s not that I have  issues with any of them (other than the Bear killers). I cannot think of one thing that really stands in the way. I can’t speak for them but I feel this rant will have little consequence. I suppose, to some degree, that just comes with the territory. There is something to be said for denial and it’s easier to hope than it is to actually do something.

“How can you learn what is true and just
How to know who to trust
Here comes a man with a scam to sell
How can you tell?
You've got to know there’s a bigger plan
Room to fall, room to stand
Pray for the plan to begin in you
Keep your heart true”

            Being Bi-Polar, unpredictability and imbalance come with the territory. Even long-term treatment has meant little difference in terms of constant control and moderation. It doesn’t matter just how treated I am, there is still a part of the disease that pops up given the right circumstance. It is all about degrees. While years of medication and therapy have granted me some influence over my emotions, impulse can often overcome instinct. I can seem quite rabid, although these moments are fleeting. It is often not about whether the pills are working but whether I can work the variables and maintain myself. It’s a constant battle, always managing my mood in case it flares or accelerates out of control. Most days there is little struggle. Everything works just the way it is supposed to. Something always comes along to interfere with my stability. Occasionally, nothing is responsible and the noise comes with no regard for anything at all. One is best served just getting out of my way. Oddly enough, I don’t usually have any problem with my depressive state. The meds apparently have seen to that. I still get sad, sometimes blue, but I have not had a depressive episode in well over a decade. The same cannot be said about my mania. It is the beast and is best served cold. It comes with little warning and tends to stay even after it’s done. I stand fighting, battling to keep it in tow. Eventually, if left unchecked, it pulls me apart, almost in two. The entire time I experience this hypomania, I am contending inside. There is a challenge in knowing what to and what not to listen to. I have had to learn to discern between what is all in my head and what is based in my being. The two do not exclusively go hand in hand. The challenge, in a manic state, is figuring out the voices from your voice. I can be my own worst enemy. It isn’t ever easy and I fail far more than I succeed. The lasting battle has always been the internal struggle, not the external manifestation. It can be laborious distinguishing between myself and myself, given the right circumstance, given the right mood. Who am I anyway? Am I that raging monster, the one who is a part of me, my natural state? Am I something better, now more instinct that impulse ever was? Am I rising above it all or sinking to my own level? This duality, apparently, is part of the package.  

“You’ve got to know who to
Who not to listen to
You’ve gotta know who to
Who not to listen to
They’re gonna hit you from all sides
Better make up your mind
Who to, who not to listen to”

            I think people get confused by the voice of God. I doubt very highly God even speaks to us. What we believe to be a Divine communication is simply an internal dialogue, manifested through the ego. We hear what we want to hear and convince ourselves accordingly. It is not that I claim there is nothing to have a dialogue with. I still believe but I don’t believe the way I used to. God has become rather intangible these days. I see in terms of vastness rather than flesh and bone. God has become so much more than mere mortal, despite any human condition that may have begged to differ. It’s tough being stuck in this earthly coil. It’s even tougher given the choices we must make. Sometimes, it is hard to know which way to go. If God is speaking to us, then surely there would be no doubt. If He spoke to anyone, there would be no doubt. I guess you have to recognize just who you are listening to. You have to discern between that which is Holy and that which only serves our own purposes. It would be unfair for God to reach out to one person and not to the rest of us. If He plays no favourites (Romans 2:11), then why is this person and that person granted access and the sum of us remain to flounder about in misery? Even if the voices are clear, how can we identify just who we are talking to or just who is talking to us? I believe that most times, we are speaking to ourselves. We project our wants and desires, expecting answers that never really come. When they don’t, we convince ourselves that they have. We make it so, even if it isn’t. With the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, we do the dance that we do. We tell ourselves we are puppets of this God or that God, all the while pulling our own strings. We create our own reality by believing everything we tell ourselves. We usually end up far worse off than when we started. Still, God never comes down. God never speaks directly to anyone. I am not sure that He ever did. I suppose that chance just comes with the territory. Only a foolish man can fool himself.

“Everyone will have their words to say
Find the word to help you find your way”
(Who To Listen To, Amy Grant 1985)


            There is more than one of me. There is more than one of you as well. One strives for right and the other can’t see. It rules in the shadows, back to back with the light. Who knows which will be stronger today? Most people walk the fine line. All those fences simply mark the way we go. The roads we travel are paved with all the choices we have made. Each choice dissecting all of the good and shadow in me and in you and in everyone. Any goodness speaks for itself but the shadows move in secret. You have to watch for them, learn to discern them from the rest of the noise. We keep trying to get into heaven but the darkness withdraws, it pulls us away. If you want to have sunshine, you have to learn to live with the shadows. They come with the territory.








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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strange_Case_of_Dr_Jekyll_and_Mr_Hyde

Monday, February 12, 2018

Seek, First


“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.” (Matthew 13:44-46, NIV)


            Specifically in the Christian tradition, seeking God is supposed to be the priority. We are to pursue “heavenly things” and not the trappings of this life. Unfortunately, along the path to Holiness, we aren’t basking in the glow of our own divinity. We are pretty much on our own, regardless of whether the Bible tells us so or not. We know little of any real truth and have nothing but the religious tradition we are indoctrinated into as the proverbial shoulder to lean on. There is nothing there, I fear. At least, there is nothing there for me. If there really is a God, the entire process of “seek and you shall find” can seem anticlimactic to any one hunting for treasure. After all, “small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:14, NIV). Salvation comes with no guarantee yet we are instructed that it is inherent in any coming kingdom, not because of its lesson but because it holds “greater value than all the world’s riches.” How apropos. In the New Testament, Jesus is purported to have taught that our focus in life should not fall upon the ways of the world. We must first seek God (“and his righteousness”) and then all the things we search for will be freely given to us (Matthew 6:33). This never happens. At least, it never happens for me.  To be clear, until we abandon all earthly things and ignore any allurement they might offer us, we cannot be saved. Submit or suffer, I suppose. We should place utmost importance on God’s favour and in so doing we must then repent and believe in the good news that the Christ has offered to mankind. I’m still waiting on the afternoon edition.
            It can seem rather futile to search for God. We are told that if one looks for Him with “all your heart and all your soul” that one can “find Him” (Deuteronomy 4:29, NIV).  It can be a difficult task hunting for something that cannot be found. At least, I can never find anything, anything worth keeping at any rate. Maybe it’s not God, maybe it’s me. Perhaps I have been blinded and perhaps I have failed to see the truth before my very eyes. I think I know my way but I find myself lost, lost and fumbling in the futility of it all. It’s like hunting for Easter eggs on Halloween or opening Christmas presents on Labour Day. For all the struggle, for the challenges it brings, I always find there is nothing, there is nothing there, it would appear. God promised to take care of those who love Him, He would provide for His own, supplying every need (Philippians 4:19). Semantics aside, if God can thusly provide, then arguably there would be no one hurting, there would be no one hungry, there would be no pain, no separation and no misery. No one would have to rest in the doom this life can bring. If God supplies our every need then we would have none. This is the only explanation that makes sense to me. For all our hollering, for the bluster we crash about in, perhaps the God we thought was there was never there to begin with. Perhaps there is something else, something that, in a sense, reveals to us the answer, or some semblance of it at any rate.  Since “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23, NIV), the playing field would be level. Any blessing a “Christian” or a “Muslim” would receive from God would be a blessing that everyone receives. If we all are all equal, if there are no favourites, then we would all share in the wealth. Not even the righteous fall under the Grace of their Lord. We all suffer and continue to do so. We all hunger, we know misery. We are all truly alone. It is just not true that those who diligently seek God will find God (Proverbs 8:17).  

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8, NIV)

            It can be taken personally when you ask God for assistance and don’t receive it. You can wait and wait but it’s all for nothing, All the promises made in scripture really don’t meet the expectations we have regarding Divine intervention. I don’t believe that there is intervention, at least not in the conventional sense. God no more hands out blessings than he does hardship. Life is life and along the way we thrive and then we suffer. By asking God for assistance or favour or more blessings, we are simply clinging to what, apparently, never can be. Our struggle is ours alone and God dropping in to help us along seems to defeat the purpose of all our trials and tribulations. How can one learn from struggle if every time we fumble, the Lord makes it all better? It just doesn’t work that way, at least it doesn’t work that way for me. In all my years, God has never once directly answered a prayer or followed through on a promise made. I thought He did but I was mistaken. Yes, the mere idea of God can bring peace and contentment to a weary soul but that is simply you manifesting, not the Holy. We really do create what we need when it comes right down to it, whether Jesus lived that way or not. We want to find God’s favour. We want to feel special, enchanted and we particularly want to fall under God’s protection. Why worry when God will look after it? Why try to be better when we can let God take up the slack? The rub is, once we believe that God has elected us, we have little responsibility. It is now God’s will, not ours. Freedom will become an illusion. If God interferes with a person’s journey then it isn’t really a journey. It is more an amusement park ride we get off of in around 5 minutes time. If God steps in, if He intervenes in our affairs, what does that say about God? Most certainly, the world is full of starving, broken and damaged people but God, of course, helps the frustrated white housewife looking to lose weight instead. Rather than assisting the weak and the battered, Blake Shelton gets another Grammy, by the Grace of God. If you look, you can find this deity, he is the father who loves some children more than the others. If you look, you can find him ignoring everyone but the chosen few. If God works this way, if only the elect matter, then the rest of us are lost.
            I believe in God as much as I ever have. It is my definition of Him that has changed over the years. I have spent countless time looking, seeking for even a morsel of sustenance. I mostly got nothing. There have been moments throughout my life I felt a presence, when I thought God was near. While those experiences seemed real to me at the time, I am no longer sure exactly what they were. For all the bells and whistles, I never received anything that I could not have manifested myself. God is not a feeling, even if we tell ourselves He is. I have fully surrendered. I have reached and wrestled and earnestly sought to not only understand but have the rewards I was taught would be mine should I relinquish my will to God’s will. Maybe I am doing something wrong? I keep looking, striving to find it but I rarely do. It has taken me a great deal of time to let go of the God that I knew growing up. I had to dump it into the ether. It became clear to me that “sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing” (Tolle). I have had to abandon my upbringing, cancel the course. I have had to re-examine everything I was taught about the Christian God. While seeking Jesus got me nowhere, the disconnection garnered me everything. When you pray and beg for mercy and it never comes, you eventually turn to a position that explains that away. If there is nothing then there is no reason, it’s not personal, it is just the way God really works. One day I woke up and I realized, I came to see that we are not to know, we cannot see. All the searching in the world accomplishes nothing if the truth just isn’t there. There is no Otherland in these terms. I consider myself a man of god, despite what my worst critics would claim. I have much faith that I am right in my thinking. I stand firm. It is not that we cannot seek better things and hope for a better life. There is nothing wrong with gaining knowledge or strengthening your mortal resolve. I don’t believe God has anything to do with it. He just isn’t involved, not because He isn’t there, or doesn’t care, but because He can’t be.

“The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.” (2 Chronicles 15:2, NIV)

            It would be easy for me to give in and fall in line. I have enough faith to serve the cause. The problem is that I no longer believe that any Christian cause I may follow holds any more real truths than any other religion, cult or belief structure. God is not exclusive to “the Way.” I could fake it. I could artificially earn my salvation, appearing saved to others while lost within myself. I just can’t do it. I just can’t say that I am okay with the representation of God claimed through the Judeo-Christian scriptures. It’s not okay for God to be more human than Holy, more punisher than Prince. It’s not okay. I would have to once again trust that any entity watching over me has my best interests in mind. Such a deity that would be willing to disrupt reality with magical answers to prayers, prayers, that for the most part are self-serving. In fact, the Church and the Bible have been so misguided when telling us just where we came from that I find it impossible to listen when they tell me where I am going. It is a narrow path indeed. I seek but cannot find. I knock but no doors open. I have found it and its like there is nothing there. 

“God warned the people of an earthquake that would swallow up the waters of the land. The water that replaced them would make everyone insane. Only the prophet took God seriously. He saved up a supply of water in his mountain cave to last him till he died. Sure enough, the earthquake came, the water vanished and new water tilled the streams and lakes and rivers. A few months later the prophet came down to the plains. Everyone had indeed gone mad, and attacked him, for they thought it was he who was insane. So the prophet went back to his mountain cave, glad for the water he had saved. But he could not bear his loneliness so he went down to the plains once more. Again he was rejected by the people for he was so unlike them. The prophet then succumbed. He threw away the water he had saved, drank the new water with the people and became one with them in their insanity. The way to Truth is narrow. You always walk alone.”
(The Narrow Path - Song of the Bird, Anthony De Mello 1982)

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Monday, February 5, 2018

Inventory



            When I was a young man, running away from life was my forte. Over a ten year period, I visited almost every major city on both the continental US and in Canada. At the slightest sign of trouble, I packed a bag and roamed. It became a habit of sorts. When life got me down, or backfired against me, I fired back with escapism and abandon. One could argue that I was driven to this reoccurring state. Due to my untreated chemical imbalance, I never really needed any help throwing it all away. Chicago, New York, Los Angeles may have been my destination but it was the journey that determined my sense of self. Without fail, as soon as I reached over the rainbow, something in me cracked, resulting in guilt, and contrition, and a Greyhound bus ride back from whence I came. I repeated this cycle over and over again, weekend after weekend, year after year. Granted, I have a flood of memories that many people will never get the chance to know for themselves. I was able to travel without limit and discover for myself the world outside my reality. In my mind, they were all a trip to bountiful. As destructive as the behaviour was at the time, in hindsight each flight was so much more. If I had been well-treated, if someone had bothered, I would not hold memories of the purple beaches at Big Sur, or scuba diving just outside Corpus Christi, or watching the Twin Towers fade in the distance on a warm July evening. Regardless of the pleasure, whenever I returned to my place in life, a greater struggle always waited for me. It’s true, you can run but you cannot hide. Life will simply wait until you’re sleeping and ghosts will always come back to haunt you. There is no refuge, no calm in the storm. The deep down, broken, choking, suffocating misery that life will hand you is not easily dismissed.
           
“I’ve been bound to leave you, we’ve known that for awhile
I’m sure it’s something I can’t do if I can’t leave you with a smile
I don't know how far I’ll have to go ‘til I'm sure those eyes won’t cry
And in my mind I’ve left enough to know that I can’t leave you
With a bad goodbye”
(Bad Goodbye, Clint Black w/ Wynonna 1993)


            The hardest thing I have ever had to do was move past the suicide of my first partner. After six years together, I did not see it coming. I was instantly thrown into a world in which I did not belong. Day after day, I kept thinking this couldn’t be real. Somehow, I concluded, I had been tossed into some otherland from which I could not escape. My grief was intense and long-suffering. My entire life had to be placed on hold while I spent a year bawling my eyes out. I then believed I was getting exactly what I deserved. It goes without saying that the first few months were the worst. It wasn’t until a pre-existing condition forced me on pain management that the world shifted into a new direction. For four months in the summer of 1995, I sat in my parents’ basement and I gave in. The Morphine was just the ticket. Once engaged, I felt nothing but the nagging urge to shoot up some more. Between the injections and the oral prescription, I didn’t have to really do anything but fucking float. I lingered in this ether, visiting this prescribed otherland any chance I could. It was heaven floating, even if I was in hell. Once the scripts ran out and the doctors caught on, I was left to withdraw, cold turkey. In a week I was walking like Frankenstein, rigid and sore and throbbing. I have rarely known such pain. The discomfort was even greater. It was like every spot where I had injected turned to stone underneath my skin. Moving was agony. I thought it was all better than my other options. When I came out of the daze, I was standing in exactly the same place I had gathered before. Nothing had changed and I was left with the same sadness, the same misery I held all those months behind me. There was no escape. It would be weeks before I finally stopped this new bought of crying. I remember the last time I wept so. I felt like a wolf howling in the furnace room. I have never broken down that like again.

“I’ve gotta keep on paying the rent
And I’ve gotta keep on making the bed
And I’ve gotta keep on walking around acting normal
And I’ve gotta keep on saying a prayer
And I’ve gotta keep on giving a care
And I’ve gotta keep on breathing
And I don't think I will
If there’s ever no more me and you”
(No More Me and You, Amanda Wilkinson 2005)


            I am sorry but I cannot stand people who whine and complain about how hard life has been for them. Life has been difficult for me too but I don’t cry and pout because it was unfair. Everyone at some point shares their story. It’s important that we use our past to teach ourselves and others the lessons our experience presents. You don’t need to snivel, you don’t need to sob like an infant to put your point across. I have always assumed that it is a sign of weakness or emotional immaturity that causes people to break apart like a bad puzzle would. Sometimes people just can’t hold it together. I have been in this place and managed to falter in private. Initially, I fell to pieces anywhere the feelings met me. The identification of the body cut me to the core and the funeral did little to quell the chaos. Somewhere in those first few days of my nightmare, I managed to harden like cement. I felt it all inside but I refused to allow anyone to see any trace of the emotional baggage I was carrying. Over twenty years later and I am still made of stone. I have become an unfeeling rock, a monument to control and self-discipline. When someone whines or destabilizes in a public forum, I cringe. I’m not saying that people who express themselves in extreme manners or belittle themselves with public displays of rejection are lesser people than me. I’m not even saying that I view them as I would a crying toddler, hell-bent on screaming until it gets what it wants. Perhaps I am the weakling. Perhaps expressing one’s pain is far better, a testament to a different kind of strength. I really had no choice in the matter. If I had not turned myself off, I would have self-destructed. The madness left me barren but intact. In private, I was a basket case. In public, the iceman cometh. It has become my natural state of being. I am a self-taught  roadblock that appears to feel nothing at all. It all lies just beneath the surface. I would argue that I experience far more now, in my walled up state, than I ever did in the land of the feeling. I just shut it up in a much more pretty manner than the whiners do. 

“And even though our love is doomed
And even though we’re all messed up
You're the only thing worth fighting for
You're the only thing worth dying for
Even though our love is doomed”
(Even Though Our Love is Doomed, Garbage 2016)


            Sometimes, it is a better idea to walk away then stand and face the music. I am not cynical about music but I digress. Sometimes, we don’t have a choice, there is no other option than to tuck our tail and run as fast as we can to safety. It’s never easy, letting go. Moving on with one’s life can be, at times, a greater struggle than remaining to fight another day. It can be quite difficult, the process I mean. There is not one goodbye I have no regrets about. There is no way I would be the man I am without some sense of futility and wasted time. Each life touches another and we are changed in increments. For the few months directly after the funeral, long before my arms became an injection site, I struggled to maintain any semblance of the life I knew at the time. I suppose, in a direct way, it was my own fault for expecting anything more of people. As I battled my grief, one by one the friendships I had maintained for years began to drop off like flies. It was like the burial had sealed my doom as well. Almost every single person I had a relationship with suddenly decided that enough was enough. Not one had the courage to say goodbye. Yes, I had lied to them for years regarding my sexual orientation. Yes, I came out to them all in a fury, rushed by circumstance and the longing for recognition. While I understand their reservations, their withdrawal only added to the chaos. It was as if they did little to consider me. Perhaps it was the death of my partner or my suicide attempt a week later. Perhaps it was the complexities of the situation, in a sense each one abandoned what they viewed as a sinking ship. Some just pulled off the band-aid, some rubbed salt into the wounds. As the morphine became a thing of the past, I recognized they had all used the opportunity to vamoose. It was at this point that I decided the best thing to do. I gave up on every single one of them. I could have chased them all down and tried to force myself back but I realized anything resembling what once was would now be artificial. Over the last 23 years, I have had little to do with anyone from that time in my life. It just wasn’t worth it. I’ve seen glimpses of some throughout that time. The bleakness of each failure only serves to remind me that I made it through with little to no help from even one them. I have come to the conclusion that I saved myself a lot of time and energy. Not one of them was deserving.

“If I’m not over you by the time I get to Georgia
I’ll be Alabama bound
There was a time when I’d do anything for ya
But this time baby, I won’t turn around”
(Georgia, Carolyn Dawn Johnson 2000)


            If there is one thing I have learned over all my years of paying attention, it is not to fear my mistakes. The truth is, there really are no mistakes, just platforms for understanding and learning and survival. Treasure lies within our scars. There are no bad goodbyes. Everything we know in life contributes to our inventory. It is what you take from each experience that will determine whether you simply survive or whether you flourish. You may need to learn to make lemonade. You may need to learn when enough is enough. Sometimes we don’t need to walk away, we need to run away. More often than not, we don’t even need that final goodbye to know things are over. Years later, you might just get to see that those things which once governed you were nothing but a waste, useless moments that in the end meant nothing at all. Every February 12th, I stand looking at the headstone, remembering our time together. He has been gone for decades but I still have yet to really say goodbye. I’m not sure that I ever will, if the truth be told. I am never really alone there. I always flash back to the funeral service, to the coffin and to the dozens of people who stood with me in the final goodbye. Ashes to ashes and all that jazz. I believed them all when they made their promises. Their tears more performance art than any real sorrow. Only a handful of those mourners remain in my life and my life is completely different these days. I do not look the same and I do not feel the same. I fear my late friend would not even know me if our paths cross again someday. If there is something to learn from all this pain and sadness, I can, we can, survive anything if given half the chance. I don’t run away anymore, looking for a place to hide. I don’t escape anymore, there are no pinpricks in my life (speaking literally of course). I am set in stone, walled in for real. I live in a state of mind rather than a state of impulse. I do not escape as a knee-jerk reaction. I have come to realize that all those missing people are a blessing rather than some curse. I never really had to run away to realize not one of them held any value except in their absence.




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Monday, December 25, 2017

A Christmas Card


            Christmas is the gladdest time of the year. Christmas is the saddest time of the year. This dichotomy has not gone unnoticed, not by me at any rate. I walk this dividing line every moment of the holiday season.  I think we all know to one degree or another that Christmas is not just a happy time. There is great sorrow among many at this time of year. There is still a reason for joy just as there is a reason for desperation. Both flow together like egg and nog or silver and bells. I don’t believe for a second they are mutually exclusive. They are yin and yang, they are shadow and light. Each one of us has it within us to be glad or to be sad but sometimes life decides for us. People place so many expectations on the Christmas season but most of us soon realize the futility of hoping. We are disappointed, by the day after. For the troubled soul, the festival holds little but the constant reminder that there sometimes is no Christmas spirit, no celebration, just nothing at all.

“Mary’s in a nursing home
She puts her favourite records on
Reminds her of the years long gone
Another Merry Christmas
Billy’s home from overseas
The pride of his whole family
Still fights a war that no one sees
Another Merry Christmas


It’s happy and sad
The good and the bad
Someone’s up and someone’s barely hanging on
It’s everything all at once
And if we’re honest enough
Everybody wants to be loved


Every year on Christmas Eve
Jill hangs four stockings, now just three
Wonders if there’ll ever be
Another Merry Christmas
Our painted old nativity
Is fragile like the lives we lead
Silently reminding me
God is with us
Another Merry Christmas”
(Another Merry Christmas, Amy Grant 2016)


            This Christmas morning, I beg you consider all the things you have to be thankful for. Just for a moment, may you feel the peace. It is my hope, my wish, that the Spirit of Christmas finds you and holds you to its own. For most of us, there is little in this holiday except for more pain, more grief, and more validation that this world can be a barren and lonely place. Let your heart be filled with light. Let it surround you. May you realize that even in despair there is hope. What damage would be done in taking this moment and seizing this moment? In the depths of it, be reminded. There is a message in it all. May this Christmas surround you, and keep you warm. May the lesson of Christmas stand so clear. May we know that God is with us.

Merry Christmas to you and all you know
and Happy New Year all the same


















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Sunday, December 17, 2017

That Spirit of Christmas


           It didn’t matter how much money my parents had when I was growing up, somehow they managed to pull off Christmas after Christmas. With all due respect to my father, it was my mother who did all the grunt work. She was probably overwhelmed by the sheer number of children requiring her attention. I cannot imagine just how she grappled with five ingrates, all pining for a special Christmas morn. As if out of thin air, no one was disappointed, including the old man. There was something quite magical about jumping downstairs and seeing the glory of our Christmas tree. It was literally surrounded by gift after gift, carefully placed in military order. I cannot recall a holiday that didn’t hold such splendour, even if the splendour was occasionally downsized. Christmas morning was its own reward. I do not recollect even one that didn’t hold the same wonder as the season before. I understand now that there was never a lot of money, so how she did it each and every year is beyond me. All I know is what I remember and I remember much love. Nothing could stand in the way, nothing. With all the presents unwrapped and coveted, my mother set out to conquer the feast. With six other souls to gratify, she was always up to the challenge. The dinner was a masterpiece, just like every other time. Perhaps I am biased in my recall but I really cannot find a childhood yuletide memory that holds anything but wonder, and glee, and a sense of something holy underneath it all. Christmas sure is different with my mother gone. Yes, it holds certain moments but things just aren’t the same. Our tree holds many presents. The table holds the feast. The sense of belonging and family, so prevalent as I grew up, is met with loved ones near and far. There is still an emptiness, a hallow space that can never be filled. I long to unwrap presents with her. I long for the taste of her stuffing but not her devilled eggs. I guess I miss my mom and nothing will ever return to how it was. This will be my eighth Christmas without her, the eighth year of my sorrow. I long for the days of old. Just for a second, I would love to experience her Christmas Spirit.


            My first partner and I had a lovely tree each Christmas. Glass bulbs, a Victorian style angel and coloured lights came together in a manner reminiscent of my experience as a child at Christmastime. It was a pretty thing, always fresh cut at a tree farm. I can still smell the needles, I pine for it. One of my biggest Christmas regrets is giving away all our Christmas decorations after he died. Even that blue velour angel was given up to grief, and abandon, and hopelessness. I wouldn’t need them where I was going so I handed them out like presents on Christmas morn. I would do anything to retrieve them from the anguish of my past. That first year I thought, as the season approached, that those whom I bestowed such heirlooms upon would cherish them like I did. I was wrong. Not one person that I know of knows where they are or what happened to them. The angel left me over a decade ago when its bearer disappeared like January snow. I will never see it again. The rest must be lost to time. As a matter of fact, I have very little decorations from that time. A few here and there will have to be reminder enough. Over three times as many Christmases have gone by than the time we were together. I have known more Christmas Days without him then I ever had with him. Doug was a quiet man, gentle and somewhat timid. He stood 6’2” and was built like a brick shithouse. I can still see him so clearly in my mind. I can hear him and even smell him. Time has guaranteed that I miss him in an unfamiliar way. There is little left for me to cling to. We never spent Christmas morning together, not once. On the night before, we both headed home to celebrate with our families. Our yuletide exchange was on Christmas Eve morning, long before it was time for the both of us to head home. I still have every gift he ever gave me. I also have his wallet, his workout clothes and I even have a large clip of his hair. I would trade them all just to know he was okay. As Christmas approaches, I journey to his resting place and leave my standard seasonal fare. Standing around a headstone is never quite as rewarding as sitting around a tree opening up presents. It is so hard, in light of this reality, to ascertain any form of Christmas Spirit but I try to find it anyway.

“Christmas is the time of year
For being with the ones we love
Sharing so much joy and cheer
What a wonderful feelin’
Watching the ones we love
Having so much fun
I was sittin’ by the fire side
Taking a walk through the snow
Listening to a children’s choir
Singing songs about Jesus and
The blessed way that He came to us
Why can’t it remain
All through the year
Each day the same
It’s truly amazin’
That spirit of Christmas”

            My Christmas history is not just made up of the melancholy. There is great joy that I continue to find as Christmas approaches. The anticipation comes just as it did when I was a kid. Despite the conflict I now have with the religious side of the season, the tactile experience is one I still love to have. Unlike most men, I love Christmas shopping. I usually begin on Christmas in July, the 25th day of that month. I start my lists. I start my looking. I even buy a gift here and there. Slowly but surely, as the months go on, that Spirit of Christmas always finds me. No matter my misery, no matter my state, Christmas comes alive in me exactly as it did when I was a boy. I just can’t help it. I am like Scrooge come Christmas morn. It may even be a possession, a spirit taking control. It’s a wonderful feeling. Christmas is also aesthetically pleasing. The window scenes, all the Christmas trees and so many pretty lights always take me back to my first memories of my Christmas past. I remember it in bits and pieces but it is strong in my mind and strong in my soul. I can only see the tree before me. I don’t remember the presents. I don’t remember the people. All I remember is that sense of awe inside me as I sat there staring at my first Christmas tree. I was overjoyed, but that’s about as much as I am able to recall. It is enough for me. I have so much else to remember. Every year, without fail, I am haunted once again. There stands my mother making lemon cupcakes with icing sugar sprinkles. She is young, she is happy. There goes my father, thinking he was too tall to need a chair to reach the star. All my brothers and my sister are young again, legs crossed and waiting for their turn at opening a present. It is warm and it is heartening. These memories comfort me in a world full of pain. As the season comes round again, I am enchanted in a way. I have much to be thankful for and much in my life to treasure. I still hold dear to my thoughts, of celebrating with my family and the Spirit of Christmas that has always remained.

“All the kin folk gather round
The lovely Christmas tree
Hearts are glowing full of joy
Sense the gifts that we’re giving
And the love that we’re living
Why can’t it remain
All through the year
Each day the same
That’s what I wanna hear
I’ll tell you
It’s truly amazin
That Spirit of Christmas”
(That Spirit Of Christmas, Ray Charles 1985)


            For the six year period that we lived in Kitchener Ontario, we were not allowed to have real Christmas trees. Granted, a drying out trunk may have been a fire hazard, especially on the sixteenth floor, but that’s neither here nor there. Ben and I had always gone out at the beginning of December and secured a fresh cut tree. It was a tradition we had to put on hold until our living arrangements changed. Once they did, we returned to our regular routine. Lynden, Ontario is approximately 21 kilometres from where we reside in Paris, Ontario. Merry Farms Christmas Tree Farm was our most favoured spot to cut down a big one. Before our unfortunate incarceration in Kitchener, we had visited the place many times and had grown accustomed to it. Our return saw little that had changed. The location is quaint and cheery, with a Rockwell look and a countryside feel. We discovered the place back in 2006, when we started hunting for an alternative spot. We had grown dissatisfied with the local venues. For the price of the trees, they were just not good enough. My partner had Googled a random search, and we headed out to our breakthrough. On December 2nd, 2006, we dressed for the weather and went out into the sun. It was a cold but not so frigid day. I was glad I decided to bring along some gloves. We spent over an hour walking up and down the rows of trees, stopping to examine any one that stood out in either of our minds. The farm itself is expansive. The 176 acre lot is almost completely covered by Christmas trees. Spruce, Blue Spruce, Pine and Douglas Fir all mingle in row after row after row. In the summer, and at Halloween, we partake with others and we play nicely. We engage with family and friends. When it comes to cutting down a tree, we play alone. Ben holds the trunk while I crawl under the thing and saw it down. We drag it back to the truck that we borrow from Ben’s father. It sits outside for a day, dripping what is left of its life onto the wooden deck out back of our home. Come the morrow, we will decorate and celebrate and make merry. A real tree always brings out one’s Christmas Spirit.


            After nineteen years together, we have an awful lot of Christmas stuff. Over 20 large boxes of yuletide rest in the basement, stacked upon each other like dominos. Come November and unpacking them is a chore. It takes weeks to set it all up. We start with the tree then we move on to decorating around it. It looks like Santa puked once all the details find their place. There are so many boxes and so much stuff that it can be overwhelming trying to sort it all out. I am good for that. I try to imagine all those boxed up decorations are more like baggage than for beautification. Like life, each one needs attention or you’ll never know what is inside. Ever year, I discover a different message buried in all that stuffing and cardboard. You have to try to make some sense of it all.  The metaphor holds great meaning for me. Every year, we add new content while sorting through anything broken that needs to be removed. The seasons change and people change and so too does Christmas. Traditions aside, there is always something new to discover, something new to create. Given half the chance, you can feel it, you can actually feel it. There is Christmas in the air. The magic of a Christmas tree, or a get together, or a walk on a snowy evening, all manage to inspire the hungry soul who is seeking that Spirit of Christmas.






Photo

Christmas Day
Toronto, Ontario
1973

Christmastime
Paris, Ontario
2016

Christmas
Paris, Ontario

2015

Monday, December 11, 2017

Star of Wonder



            Azariah was not like the other children. He was smaller, much more frail. For all his 12 years, he stood lesser than most. He was a tiny boy, a little shepherd. His hair was not dark or curly like his peers, rather, it glimmered with lighter tones and hung straight and fair. He was a sensitive kid, some could even call him delicate and weak. This was not far from the reality. Some would say he did not belong. Deep inside, the young lad knew it was the truth. Most children in Bethlehem lay sleeping on this early winter’s night, but Azariah stood watch with his father over sheep. His father and the men who worked with him had been delayed in arriving home. For almost three weeks, they had been detained because of the census. The colder desert nights had come and the journey from Hebron had been dank and unforgiving. His beaten clothes, not fit for the winds of a Palestine winter, did little to bring much needed warmth. They had arrived back near Bethlehem and planned to stay in the fields until morning when the market opened. His father, a shepherd his entire life, had brought Azariah on this travelling in hopes of building character in the boy. When he married Azariah’s mother, a Hebrew girl from the Roman territories, he did not expect her death in childbirth, nor did he anticipate that his only son would bring such disappointment and frailty. The harsh life of a shepherd was no place for someone like his son, and with no one to watch over him, he was forced to carry this reminder of God’s judgement upon him throughout the Palestine countryside.
            When the light appeared in the sky, no one was sure what to make of it. When the brightness shone above them, they were so afraid. A few sheep, startled by the quick and the unknown brilliance, fled to safety. Azariah wanted to stay and see this marvel which had magically appeared in the night sky, but his father sent him out in the dark to find the flock which had abandoned them to the same night. As Azariah walked into the desert, he did not hear the voices of angels heralding the good news. He did not see the celestial glow from the host which appeared to his father and the other shepherds. He did not take his father’s hand and follow into the town waiting from a distance. He just kept walking and calling and praying he could show his father that he was strong enough and brave enough. Only a few sheep had strayed from the flock, but Herod’s taxes and the expense of traveling for the census meant all were precious and they could not afford to lose even one. As he walked, he thought of the mother he had never met and the taunting of other children. Life was not fun for Azariah. Between a disapproving father and the shame of his debility, he held little in good regard. In temple, he sat and listened to the tales of Moses and David and Isaiah, but it was the words of the other children which stained him with feelings of worthlessness and sorrow. He too, just like his father, held bitterness and contempt for those who had made his life almost not worth living. Such ridicule and endless dampening stole the innocent heart and childlike ways of this little blond boy from Bethlehem.
            Azariah grew colder and the desolation of the desert did little to quell his fear and hesitation. He had always preferred being alone, but this night he yearned for the hands of his father, the safety of a greater place. Suddenly, he heard it. The subtle noise of beast was almost invisible, cloaked behind wind and sand and bitter sting. There, alongside an outcropping of rocks, he found the seven sheep that had strayed. Azariah sat down beside them and started to shake. The night had grown darker and colder and met the chill of his heart as he cursed his father for sending him into the desert to die. When the sheep laid down beside him in the sand, he could not believe his eyes. He had never seen such a thing. Azariah remembered what to do. How many times had his father told him to find warmth with each other or the animals, if ever lost in the desert come night? How many times did his father instruct him to stay huddled only until the warmth returned?
            “Never sleep on the desert floor,” Azariah recalled. “You will drown in the sand.”
            Azariah could feel the heat returning to his skin, as he lay between two ewes and the sun-baked glow of the desert floor. Staring out into the endless sea of ebony, he searched his mind for a way to get back home. Although he had not ventured beyond the dunes, he could not find his way. He raised his head and called out into the deep black. There was no reply, no response. Not even an echo bounced back from the hills which shadowed his path to safety. There was no moon to light his way. No fire in the distance to call him as a beacon. He turned, praying for a new perspective.
            It did not appear, but it was not there mere moments before. It filled his eyes with daylight. It was the same brilliance which had scared the sheep into running. He rose up and greeted salvation. The star shone brighter than any other he had ever seen. Its glow reached across the skyline like beams of blue and bright. It was brilliant and full, and for Azariah, it was hope. The dunes glistened with starshine and gave way through the night. The tail of the star seemed to float in the heavens until it focused on one spot. Azariah knew, he just knew. He quickly rounded the sheep and headed into the light. He started out, then he wandered toward the shine, for the star in the sky led his way. When he got back to the pens, he could not find his father. He could not find anyone or anything but a fenced-in mob of white cotton herded into capture. He added his seven blankets into the cage and wandered into the tail of the star. The late night gave little rescue to the answers Azariah searched for. No townsfolk could he question. He looked up and checked the radiance of the beam. It was still with him even though he was home. The star of wonder flickered then to pinpoint, it managed his direction. When Azariah was older and had a child of his own, he would sit his son down and tell him the tale of the littlest Shepherd. We would tell him of the cold desert night and how the sheep gave warmth to see him through. He would tell them of the kings and the stable and the things he saw that night. Most of all, he would tell them of his star and the wonder of how it led him home.


            Almost 30 years had passed since Azariah met with that something wonderful. The star in the east had long ago faded into night, never to return. The three great men he met had eventually journeyed back to their homelands. The only shepherds to be found were far outside the gates of Jerusalem. He himself had left the flocks behind and came to the city in search of a better life. Sarah, his wife of 11 years, and his 8 year old son Benjamin waited for him outside the temple every day without fail. He had been lucky enough to get any job, but one at the temple meant long-term security. When he left Bethlehem, 15 years had passed since the child in that manger. The death of his father had sealed his decision. He would never have imagined this better life, even if he had dreamt it. He knew in his heart that he had been assisted by God, not only on that special night but every day since the star. Azariah was a happy man. Passover was quickly approaching. As the town readied for the festivals, Azariah unloaded all sorts of animals for sacrifice at temple. It was a dirty job but someone had to do it. Between the normal rituals, and the surrounding revelry, it was as much as Azariah could do to keep to his assigned duties. His clothes, covered with the mess, were a testament to his hard work. During Passover, blood flowed in the streets of Jerusalem. The Roman occupation would do little to help in the aftermath. Cleaning up was not a prestigious position, but financial security and a good home more than compensated for his shame. For 14 years now, Azariah faithfully served his God and His garbage.
            He met Sarah here, the daughter of the man who got him his position. They had played together when they were children, soon to be separated by distance and choices made. Her father Gyb was one of the shepherds the angels had visited that night. Gyb left the town of Bethlehem with his family almost immediately after the events in the fields and at the stable, taking advantage of the magi Melchior’s generosity and the caravan heading towards Jerusalem. Caiaphas seemed obliged to his wise friend and placed Gyb in the maintenance department cleaning up after animals. Years later, Azariah called on Gyb in the same manner, once he had relocated to the city. When he was promoted from excrement to blood, he asked Gyb for permission to marry Sarah.  Neither Sarah nor Azariah had ever entertained the idea of marriage and both were late in life when they married and started a family. Azariah loved his family. Azariah’s family loved him. Where once stood a small blond shepherd boy now stood a strong man, well matured and responsible. His journey had been relatively easy compared to most. The land and stock of sheep left to him when his father died empowered him through its sale. With enough money to start again (and then some), he followed the roads south to the Holy City to begin a new life. Every morning he now shuffled to temple, thankful for the family that he loved so much.
            The path he took past Sha'ar Harachamim, the Gate of Mercy, was unusually busy for a day such as this. No celebration had been planned until later in the week. People were standing all about, crying out to a bearded man riding on a donkey.
            “The prophecy, the prophecy is fulfilled,” screamed a woman near to him. “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. From the house of the Lord we bless you,” they chanted, singing in chorus, all the while laying olive, willow and other branches before him as he passed.
            He could not believe his eyes. This was not the end of it. The very same man who had rode into town through Sha'ar Harachamim just a few days before was now driving out everyone who was trading in the temple square and inside the main entrance. He had abandoned his donkey. At some distance, Azariah watched silently from a wagon filled with young lambs for the korban Pesakh. Each beast was held waiting for sale as the rite of Passover sacrifice approached. Azariah was unsure what to do. In the same area that this man was defiling stood the tables and stalls used for their sale. These stalls had to be filled or he could face the anger of the account manager. Suddenly, the man turned and began to yell, “This is my Father’s house,” then started turning over the tables of money changers and the dealers in sacrifice. Azariah was stunned. Before the Roman soldiers arrived, the man and his entourage disappeared into the crowds. When those crowds calmed and the excitement was over, Azariah returned to his duties, hurrying to help restore the square to its place of commerce and trade in blood.
            Sarah had heard the news and was waiting for Azariah with their son, just outside the temple later that afternoon when he finished his work. She had worried all day that her husband had somehow been involved in the ruckus at temple. She was relieved to learn he had not been compromised. After they arrived home, they all sat to dinner. Benjamin began to inquire as to this man who had drawn so much attention. Azariah hushed the boy, directing him to his meal, when Sarah interrupted with news of her own.
            “In the market today, there were great rumblings of this man,” Sarah added. “They say he may be the Mašíah, come as the liberator against Rome.”
            “Such talk is treason, Sarah,” he said. “You cannot be heard saying such things or the wrath of Rome will fall upon our house. This man is a criminal. If you had seen the damage he waged at the temple today, you would not speak such foolish things.”
            Later in the evening, after Benjamin had been sent to bed, the couple went about their nightly chores. Sarah soaked then washed the filth and blood-drenched clothes her husband brought home with him each day from his duties at the temple. It seemed hard labour for her in attempting to remove the constant staining. It was a futile task. Azariah took his place near the window, peering out into the night sky. He often sat in this chair, searching for his star in the heavens, silently praying for it to reappear. It had once brought him comfort and safety, leading him home through the dark of the desert. This night, the words of Melchior rang loudly in his mind. As Azariah approached the stable that night, he was welcomed into the glow that illuminated the manger. The tail of the star had settled there. It was a marvel to see his father and Gyb standing only feet away from three royal men and their procession. All the people from the entire village crowded around to see the baby, all this for a newborn child. His father beckoned him to come forward and Azariah pushed through the people and past the beasts of burden as they lay round in the hay. The brightness of day filled the center of the manger; the glare was much too sharp for eyes having just faced the night. When his father urged him on to the cradle, Azariah stood trembling; he did not know what to make of it all. He was not afraid, but he paused as confusion overcame him.
            “He is Immanuel child; God is with us,” said a tall Persian man dressed in fine garments and holding a silver jar filled with frankincense.
            “But what does that mean?” questioned Azariah.
            “He is the saviour, the Mašíah, come to make all men free. Stay your place and bow child, praise God and the newborn King,” answered the foreign lord.
             Before dawn on the morning of the Passover feast, Azariah awoke to loud banging on the door of his home. In spite of his fear that the Romans had come, he opened it. When Gyb rushed in, excited and rather manic, he sighed in relief.  He stumbled through the door.
            “Azariah,” he yelled, “It’s Melchior, he is here and I have met with him.”
            “The king Melchior, the one from that night in Bethlehem?” asked his blond friend, rubbing what was left of any sleep from his eyes.
            At that moment, two Persian guards entered the dwelling. The commotion had brought Sarah and Benjamin out of the quiet and Sarah held him at the back of the kitchen for safety.
            “He wants to see you, Azariah. I told him you were here and he has sent us to retrieve you and bring you to his counsel,” claimed the obviously shaken man. Azariah began to dress and called out for Sarah, telling her he that had to go and not to worry.
            “Father, may I go with you?” asked the small fair haired child in the corner.
            “Benjamin,” he replied, “you must stay here with your mother and watch over her. I will try to fetch you both when I have met with Melchior. I most go now and no longer keep my old friend waiting.”
           The caravan sat outside the city, near the gate that leads to Gethsemane, just beyond the temple. 30 years had done little to Melchior, but for a few wrinkles in his brow and dashes of grey at his ears. It jutted out from beneath his head cover. Melchior could hardly believe that the man who stood before him was the little shepherd boy who had found his way to the manger that night. Gyb had seen Melchior leaving the temple by darkness, bidding goodbye to Caiaphas, so he approached his entourage seeking audience. Melchior knew him right away. Every detail of that night had been relived so often that it was now a part of the very being of this wise man. He had come so far, just as before, but this time there was no star to guide this journey. 
            “I have come seeking the child,” Melchior informed them.
            “The child from the Bethlehem?” asked Azariah.
            “Yes, his time is near and I have come to witness the fulfillment of that foretold the night the star shone bright and the angels sang.”
            “We do not know the man the child has become,” Azariah said.
            “He is here,” Melchior revealed. “He is in prison, to be tried today for treason.”


            The Persian nobleman had spies in the palace of Herod, spies who had summoned him when news of the man and the prophecy began to spread through the Galilean countryside. The son of Joseph and Mary, who preached of the coming Kingdom of God, was known near and far for his miracles and healings. Melchior’s henchmen confirmed he was indeed the child he had waited for. At 27, Melchior had travelled far to pay homage to the child, but now, as he approached his 60th year, travel was slower than it had been before. Melchior had hoped to share in the grown child’s ministry, but he had arrived too late. Consulting with Caiaphas had done nothing to change their minds.
            “I had forgotten how harsh the road I once travelled to see the babe was,” he told the two men. “Harsher still to find there is nothing I can do for him now.”
            Azariah could not believe his ears. The child who had filled his dreams for all these years was here in Jerusalem, captive at the Praetorium. Melchior arranged for the two men to join him that day, replacing them for work detail with his own men, at the permission of Caiaphas. They made their way through the gate, past the temple and into the heart of the Holy City. With the sunlight came the crowds, all heading towards the house of Pilate, the praefectus of Judaea. The governor resided close to the temple and the hordes of people grew dense as they approached the area. The steps of the judgment hall were thick with them. They lingered nervously about, like wolves before a frenzy. The men all took a place near the eastern stairs, at the open courtyard where they could attend to the trial unabated. Just then, a man was led away to be scourged, and the people who surrounded the gabbatha, on the platform out front of the palace, began to cheer. Azariah finally got to see his face. He stood breathless. It was impossible. The very same man, who had ridden the donkey through Sha'ar Harachamim and disturbed the temple merchants, was now being strung up before him in the courtyard, subjected to the scourge of 39 lashes. Azariah could not believe what he was seeing. With each lash of the knotted whip, the man said nothing, he did not cry out for mercy. When they brought him to the courtyard from the inner sanctum, Azariah was sure, he knew him instantly.
            “This cannot be the child fully grown,” he said. “This man is a criminal, the one who attacked the money changers.”
            “He is the child, Azariah,” Melchior said softly. “Today, that which the angels foretold will come to be. Through his suffering, we all will be free.”
            When the guards had brought the man back to Pilate, he went out on the front steps of the Praetorium, where his judgment seat had been placed, and called together the Sanhedrim and the chief priests. Melchior dropped his head when Caiaphas entered. The man had been wrapped in red cloth and was holding a staff in his right hand. On his head they had placed a ring of thorns, like a crown, which clearly pierced the skin all about the man’s brow. There was so much blood that Azariah pictured him as if like one of the sheep he sent to slaughter as sacrifice. Slowly the man turned his head and their eyes met just briefly. His eyes, those magical eyes, he thought. They were the very same ones which had filled Azariah with peace and gladness, staring up from the cradle in the glow of that manger.  He was instantly filled with the same wonder that the star had given him that night so many years ago. In the midst of all that pain, covered in all that blood and suffering, the man seemed to smile at him. Azariah knew, and, despite all he had seen, he recognized that this was the child now fully grown and standing before the crowds of his own people. Pilate stood and raised his right arm to silence the crowd.
            “What would you have me do?” he asked.
            “Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him!” rang through the air in a great uproar.
            Pilate turned and walked to his judgment seat, dipped his hands into a gold basin and proceeded to wash them. He dried each off with a towel presented by his attendant. He walked over to the bearded man, and then a solider grabbed the man’s hair, raising his bloody head. Pilate then spoke to him.
            “You have been convicted by acclamation,” he said. “Let them take him and crucify him, but I find no fault in him.”
            The soldiers, who had flogged him, stripped him of his royal robe and led him into the crowds. The people cheered and screamed, all in one accord. They took the man down towards Herod’s palace and out of the city to the place of skulls, near the old cemetery on the outskirts of town. Azariah stood trembling; any peace the man had delivered to him was lost in a swarm of commotion. Melchior, Gyb and the entourage turned away. They did not wish to join the procession through the upper city and out into such desolation. Azariah followed just as he had done with the star over Bethlehem.  He did not summon Sarah or his boy, as he had promised, well knowing the fate that laid waiting for this man outside the city walls. After the act, as he walked home, the rain fell hard and lightning clashed against the clouds. He could not tell his tears from the raindrops, which began to fall when the man finally died, hung on the wood like some calf over a fiery spit. He entered his home, kissed his wife and son and revealed to them the horror this day had brought. Sarah sat listening. She had heard the story of that wonderful night so many times she knew it by heart. She understood that her husband’s dream had died with the man. She knew he had never forgotten the path that he once followed from the dark. She hoped this would not break him. When he had finished, they all sat in silence, until Sarah broke the nothingness.
            “Azariah,” she quietly questioned. “What was his name?”


            Almost 40 years had passed since the child from Bethlehem died as a man. Over those years, his name spread throughout the land and Azariah followed the fledgling movement that claimed Jesus as King and the saviour, the Mašíah. Some of the followers had even tried to convert him to this new “Way” of thinking. Azariah stood firm in what he would call his faith. It was uncommon for men to live as long as Azariah had. His son Benjamin had been killed in one of the Maccabee rebellions. His wife Sarah passed in her fifty-second year. Since then he lived with his grandchildren. His days of serving the Temple were long gone as was his need to assist them. He was old and tired yet somehow managed to hold on to life with a defiance most people in antiquity never had. The light of the star that led him long ago was still there in his mind and in his soul. He spent hours sitting, visiting that time and that place over and over again. He sat breathless as he watched the crucifixion play on in his mind. He would tremble at the thought of it. He often wondered if the man he remembered from that cross would appreciate the crusade playing out with those to whom he granted salvation. Azariah himself would never idolize anything that embraced a human being as the son of God, just like these “Christians” proclaimed across the territory. He was not an overtly religious man. He held more loyalty to that shining star than to any form or practice that men made. Rumours that Jesus had risen from his grave met doubt and questions and disdain. He was a Jew in name only. It was his tradition rather than his faith. He had seen so much pain, so much struggle that it was hard for him to believe in anything but the hard cold reality of life. Azariah was not a feeble man. Despite his age, his vigour remained. He was strong in spirit if not in body. Growing old had only convinced him that his experience as a child in Bethlehem was somehow divine or what men in modern times call supernatural or paranormal. It defined his reverence in terms of a tactile event. It was more than the law of Moses had ever given him. Still, his loyalty remained. The mere idea of worshipping Jesus as the son of God was blasphemous to him. Not because it was written but because it was practiced. He would have no other god. 
             Azariah watched the world go by, observing without partaking. Such time, such freedom he had not known since his days as a boy in Bethlehem. The view had changed but little else had. The air of wonder, that sense of childlike innocence carried on despite the world around him. The world he now knew was bitter and hard. Anything good, anything right had disappeared as if it was some falsehood, gone back to the place from which it had come. More than sixty years of occupation built great religious tension between the Jewish populace and the Roman government. When renovation of the Second Temple was completed, many labourers fell on hard times. Coupled with the socio-political reality of that time, it lead to the impoverishment of the Jewish peasantry and rebellion. Azariah knew of the first Jewish revolt. His friends, members of his family, even some women he knew all stood hand in hand against the tyranny of Rome. If only he were younger, if only he could fight. For four years the rebellion lingered. The war was not only fought between the Romans and the Jews, it was a class struggle. All his years working at the Temple only encouraged doubt of the high priesthood. Now the masses held to the same. The Roman occupation was under constant assault right up to the end. Azariah sat watching as the Temple burned to the ground. This city of God no longer held anything for him. He convinced his family to return to Bethlehem where his lineage had begun. His father, Gyb and Sarah were all laid to rest in the cemetery just outside of town. They had all made this trip before. This journey would not return to Jerusalem. The purchase of his father’s old bavith meant safety and a familiar place to hide. Azariah had always kept his money secret. How ironic the very sheep that once saved him would now do so in turn. It wasn’t much but it would do. The journey from Holy Jerusalem to the city of David was one day’s travel. The caravan headed north into the wilderness.  Azariah knew the path home. He had walked it in his mind 10,000 times. The 10 km trek through this part of the kingdom of Judah was perilous and war torn. Despite the danger, they finally arrived at the outer rim of the city. Azariah almost cried as they passed the old pens on the outskirts of town. He could see himself surrounded by the flock, he could see himself chasing the star. Everywhere around him was his father, the manger and the star leading the way. Azariah was finally home.
            The cold Palestine winter did not affect his choice to go outside. Almost two months had passed since the destruction of the Temple and three weeks had come and gone since the return to Bethlehem. He felt right at home, filled with comfort and with joy. He had not been this happy since before the death of his wife Sarah. His sadness had carried on for decades. His only hope, his only delight was the star of wonder he had experienced that night so long ago. It now called to him, daring him to seek and find. He had waited for a perfect time to skip out into his memories. He plotted his escape then like a thief in the night, he disappeared into the bitter chill of a winter’s mist. He was as silent as his cracking joints would allow him to be. He wrapped himself until he was cozy and headed out on his adventure. He didn’t alert anyone and his mission was just as secret. He carried nothing with him, as if he knew. He just knew. He walked slowly but with great determination. There was no tail of a star to guide him this time. He hoped it would be there when he arrived but the manger, on the far end of the North camp, held nothing but some cows and a few feeding cradles. It wasn’t even the original structure.  
            The trip had done its best on Azariah. He was much too weak to have journeyed so all alone. As he approached the shelter, Azariah fell to the ground out of exhaustion. The way had been too trying for this weary form. He met silence on the way down. The light pierced his eyelids, waking him with a jolt. There it was, so bright and so charming, the star had returned to guide him once again. He stood, stronger than he had been before. He looked about and the world seemed to have found its original place again. The manger had returned, the animals had returned, everything was exactly the same as it had been on that magical night. Suddenly, people were everywhere. The crowd held faces he had not seen in many years. His father was there, Gyb was there. He looked through the crowd for Sarah, but only those present on that special night appeared before him. It was like a dream, an illusion but somehow he knew it was for real. He moved gracefully into the heart of star’s tail. There was no baby wrapped in swaddling clothes to greet him. Instead, the baby had become a man, the same man he had known forever but never really met. The well-known stranger looked at Azariah and held out his hand.


            Just outside the city gates, the graveyard holds tales of the many and a voice for the few. It is mostly silent, like dead men can be. He rests there now. Sarah rests near him. They are reunited in the Otherland. If you ask about, the local townsfolk will tell you of that night so long ago when the star of wonder shone bright and the kings and wise men met a host of angels. They would tell you about the sheepherders and the manger and the baby king. If you listen hard enough, the men of Bethlehem will tell you another story. A tale about the light in the desert, the warmth of some sheep and the journey of the littlest shepherd.



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