February is
a tough month for me. There are so many days to commemorate that I get lost in
the melancholy that I have known for over twenty-three years now. I get through
those twenty-eight days, every time. It is not always an easy feat. The past I
have known can haunt me, it tends to call out for me, bidding me to suffer some
more. I give little heed to such notions. I have gone on with my life and in
spite of the baggage I still carry, I do not fixate on such things. I have put
them behind me and I do not like to visit them. This otherland is not a
welcoming space. Sometimes they come to me without permission and I am left with
little choice. Whether the day he committed suicide or the day I did, my
visions at this time of year are not leftover sugarplums that want to dance in
my head. These memories are hard and cold and often rather malignant. Focusing
on them only makes things worse. There is nothing more freeing than a good dose
of denial. All this getting over each moment, year after year, is both
repugnant and redundant. I have learned a long time ago that one needs to let
things go. There is nothing wrong with ignoring something and just going
through the motions. Anything to just get through it. You can talk about it. You can even blog about it but find
something better to think about. Life is loud so you have to learn to silence
the noise.
“All that time I was
searching, nowhere to run to, it started me thinking,
Wondering what I
could make of my life, and who'd be waiting,
Asking all kinds of
questions, to myself, but never finding the answers,
Crying at the top of
my voice, and no one listening,
All this time, I
still remember everything you said
There's so much you
promised, how could I ever forget?”
People tend
to fixate on their problems. I don’t mean the daily motions that we all
experience. Some people just cling to their own misery. They focus all their
energies on what doesn’t serve them and abandon all that does. They hold to the
pain like it is a cherished pet or a lost love letter now found. They can even
seem to welcome the suffering. Perhaps this is a way for them to feel alive.
Perhaps they have little else and find comfort in the world of “better than
nothing.” Its okay to hold to whatever you want. If you want to live in a make believe world
where unicorns sing then more power to you. If you want to linger in your own
doom, repeating again and again, my proverbial hat is off to you. Memories
should sooth not scar. I’m not surprised by how many people I know who ruminate
in them. Whether the death of a loved one or a horrible accident, each person
should be given the time they need to process and deal. Every person will address
the event in their own time. Many lose track of time and spend their lives
being chased by ghosts and monsters. It can appear that some people get off on
the pain. Its the only way they can function in the day to day. We all strive
to have the familiar. We want to feel the way it used to feel, at least how we
believe it did. Not every memory should be cherished. Sometimes you need to
just move on. I know that is easier said than done but it is true none the
less. Memories can be joyful but memories can also bring pain, great pain for
many. So I try not to think about the nasty things that have happened in my
life. I think I paid my dues a long time ago. I have no need to remember the horrible landscape that made up my past. I’ll
just pretend and go on living.
Moving
beyond your history does not mean that those memories disappear, never to be
heard from again. If there is one thing for certain, the past doesn’t go away.
It is always there, ready to release itself upon our happiness. Letting go
isn’t just about not remembering, its about how you react to that stimulation.
Its about the power you give to such negative things. Its about focusing on the
pleasant things you have known rather than the pain and strife you have experienced.
Its all about dwelling and moderating yourself. Rather than allowing something
to haunt you, just ignore it and it will go away. You may have to repeat this
cycle for the rest of your life but eventually it plays out easier than each
time before. You have to learn to vanquish rather than embracing. Pay the bad,
no heed. You don’t have to like every thought that you ever think. They can
bring much damage given the right circumstances. This is one way I have managed
to move past my life. I just don’t invest in my memories like other people do.
I recognize the joyful, lovely things that have happened to me. I recognize the
mundane, the everyday kind of inspiration. I am aware of the worst things my
life has offered. I only visit these on rare occasions. I try to never outstay
my welcome. I am cold to them otherwise. I try not to think about it, let alone
fixate on it, even if its not for my own good. I have trained myself to go
beyond my emotions, to control by “turning off,” so to speak. I no longer
surrender, I moderate. I experience the memories but I dictate them, not the
other way around. It is inevitable, in spite of my defensive position, that
here and there I will not be able to avoid my true feelings. I just shut them
off and start to vacuum. Any distraction is a key to a healthy mind set. Get up
and stop rolling in the mud. Think about something else for God’s sake.
“I know you're going,
but I can't believe
It's the way that
you're leaving,
It's like we never
knew each other at all, it may be my fault,
I gave you too many
reasons, being alone, when I didn't want to
I thought you'd
always be there, I almost believed you,
All this time, I
still remember everything you said, oh
There's so much you
promised, how could I ever forget?”
He lived
his life through the past. He hung on every memory, every moment that he had
ever experienced. At least, he thought he did. Life had become unbearable, all
his time spent focusing on what was instead of having what is. It was all so
empty, so barren in spite of the pain it brought and the sorrow it manifested.
He built his world around his escape, but he was escaping into something else.
He could not find his way out of this otherland. He was trapped by what used to
be and crippled by each day of existence. It all became an excuse, an excuse
for not caring, an excuse for in action. Everything became secondary to his
struggle, to his pain. The world went on without him. Chances came and went
without a thought. Life became disposable, irrelevant. He once was not all
alone. She left him when she couldn’t compete. His past was simply more
important and it strangled their love for one another. He ignored it into
silence and she silenced it all. She walked away without even a goodbye. Now he
has more to relish. He made it so. Everything he took for granted, everything
he failed to notice simply added to his misery. He had more to blame it all on.
He had fresh agony to mire him further
down. Day after day he tells himself that life is unfair. He is greatly
burdened by the weight of the things he once knew. His pain tells the story. He
is an old man much before his time. When he reaches, the past does not reach
back. It does not keep him warm at night and his days are just as empty. The
past may come back to haunt you, indeed.
“You know I love you,
but I just can't take this,
You know I love you,
but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you,
I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to,
but I'm in too deep.”
Its true
that if you chase away the past it will end up haunting you. It always comes
back. This does not imply that we should ask it to move in and live with us.
The things which have affected us throughout our lives may hold lessons. They
may even have some form of importance in the greater scheme of things. The past
is not meant to rule us. In fact, the past should free us. Once the past is
past, you must move past it. You have to refuse it sometimes and just how you
let it impact you. Make peace with your past or your past will steal your
peace. Refocus, think of something better. Its like taking a pee. Sometimes you
have to use your free hand.
“So listen, listen to
me,
I can feel your eyes
go thru me
It seems I've spent
too long
Only thinking about
myself
Now I want to spend
my life
Just caring bout
somebody else.”
(In Too Deep, Genesis 1986)
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