“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.
When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he
had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant
looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and
sold everything he had and bought it.” (Matthew
13:44-46, NIV)
Specifically
in the Christian tradition, seeking God is supposed to be the priority. We are
to pursue “heavenly things” and not the trappings of this life. Unfortunately,
along the path to Holiness, we aren’t basking in the glow of our own divinity. We
are pretty much on our own, regardless of whether the Bible tells us so or not. We know little of any real truth and have
nothing but the religious tradition we are indoctrinated into as the proverbial
shoulder to lean on. There is nothing there, I fear. At least, there is nothing
there for me. If there really is a God, the entire process of “seek and you
shall find” can seem anticlimactic to any one hunting for treasure. After all,
“small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find
it” (Matthew 7:14, NIV). Salvation
comes with no guarantee yet we are instructed that it is inherent in any coming
kingdom, not because of its lesson but because it holds “greater value than all
the world’s riches.” How apropos. In the New
Testament, Jesus is purported to have taught that our focus in life should
not fall upon the ways of the world. We must first seek God (“and his righteousness”)
and then all the things we search for will be freely given to us (Matthew 6:33). This never happens. At
least, it never happens for me. To be
clear, until we abandon all earthly things and ignore any allurement they might
offer us, we cannot be saved. Submit or suffer, I suppose. We should place utmost
importance on God’s favour and in so doing we must then repent and believe in
the good news that the Christ has offered to mankind. I’m still waiting on the
afternoon edition.
It can seem
rather futile to search for God. We are told that if one looks for Him with
“all your heart and all your soul” that one can “find Him” (Deuteronomy 4:29, NIV). It can be a difficult task hunting for something
that cannot be found. At least, I can never find anything, anything worth
keeping at any rate. Maybe it’s not God, maybe it’s me. Perhaps I have been blinded and perhaps I have failed to see
the truth before my very eyes. I think I know my way but I find myself lost,
lost and fumbling in the futility of it all. It’s like hunting for Easter eggs
on Halloween or opening Christmas presents on Labour Day. For all the struggle,
for the challenges it brings, I always find there is nothing, there is nothing
there, it would appear. God promised to take care of those who love Him, He
would provide for His own, supplying every need (Philippians 4:19). Semantics aside, if God can thusly provide, then
arguably there would be no one hurting, there would be no one hungry, there
would be no pain, no separation and no misery. No one would have to rest in the
doom this life can bring. If God supplies our every need then we would have
none. This is the only explanation that makes sense to me. For all our
hollering, for the bluster we crash about in, perhaps the God we thought was
there was never there to begin with. Perhaps there is something else, something
that, in a sense, reveals to us the answer, or some semblance of it at any
rate. Since “all have sinned and fall
short of the glory of God” (Romans
3:23, NIV), the playing field would be level. Any blessing a “Christian” or a
“Muslim” would receive from God would be a blessing that everyone receives. If
we all are all equal, if there are no favourites, then we would all share in
the wealth. Not even the righteous fall under the Grace of their Lord. We all
suffer and continue to do so. We all hunger, we know misery. We are all truly
alone. It is just not true that those who diligently seek God will find God (Proverbs 8:17).
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find;
knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who
seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8, NIV)
It can be
taken personally when you ask God for assistance and don’t receive it. You can
wait and wait but it’s all for nothing, All the promises made in scripture
really don’t meet the expectations we have regarding Divine intervention. I
don’t believe that there is intervention, at least not in the conventional
sense. God no more hands out blessings than he does hardship. Life is life and
along the way we thrive and then we suffer. By asking God for assistance or
favour or more blessings, we are simply clinging to what, apparently, never can
be. Our struggle is ours alone and God dropping in to help us along seems to defeat
the purpose of all our trials and tribulations. How can one learn from struggle
if every time we fumble, the Lord makes it all better? It just doesn’t work
that way, at least it doesn’t work that way for me. In all my years, God has
never once directly answered a prayer or followed through on a promise made. I
thought He did but I was mistaken. Yes, the mere idea of God can bring peace
and contentment to a weary soul but that is simply you manifesting, not the
Holy. We really do create what we need when it comes right down to it, whether Jesus
lived that way or not. We want to find God’s favour. We want to feel special,
enchanted and we particularly want to fall under God’s protection. Why worry
when God will look after it? Why try to be better when we can let God take up
the slack? The rub is, once we believe that God has elected us, we have little
responsibility. It is now God’s will, not ours. Freedom will become an
illusion. If God interferes with a person’s journey then it isn’t really a journey.
It is more an amusement park ride we get off of in around 5 minutes time. If
God steps in, if He intervenes in our affairs, what does that say about God?
Most certainly, the world is full of starving, broken and damaged people but God,
of course, helps the frustrated white housewife looking to lose weight instead.
Rather than assisting the weak and the battered, Blake Shelton gets another
Grammy, by the Grace of God. If you look, you can find this deity, he is the
father who loves some children more than the others. If you look, you can find
him ignoring everyone but the chosen few. If God works this way, if only the
elect matter, then the rest of us are lost.
I believe
in God as much as I ever have. It is my definition of Him that has changed over
the years. I have spent countless time looking, seeking for even a morsel of
sustenance. I mostly got nothing. There have been moments throughout my life I
felt a presence, when I thought God was near. While those experiences seemed
real to me at the time, I am no longer sure exactly what they were. For all the
bells and whistles, I never received anything that I could not have manifested
myself. God is not a feeling, even if we tell ourselves He is. I have fully
surrendered. I have reached and wrestled and earnestly sought to not only understand but have the
rewards I was taught would be mine should I relinquish my will to God’s will.
Maybe I am doing something wrong? I keep looking, striving to find it but I
rarely do. It has taken me a great deal of time to let go of the God that I
knew growing up. I had to dump it into the ether. It became clear to me that “sometimes
surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with
not knowing” (Tolle). I have had to abandon my upbringing, cancel the course. I
have had to re-examine everything I was taught about the Christian God. While
seeking Jesus got me nowhere, the disconnection garnered me everything. When
you pray and beg for mercy and it never comes, you eventually turn to a
position that explains that away. If there is nothing then there is no reason,
it’s not personal, it is just the way God really works. One day I woke up and I
realized, I came to see that we are not to know, we cannot see. All the
searching in the world accomplishes nothing if the truth just isn’t there. There
is no Otherland in these terms. I consider myself a man of god, despite what my
worst critics would claim. I have much faith that I am right in my thinking. I
stand firm. It is not that we cannot seek better things and hope for a better
life. There is nothing wrong with gaining knowledge or strengthening your mortal
resolve. I don’t believe God has anything to do with it. He just isn’t
involved, not because He isn’t there, or doesn’t care, but because He can’t be.
“The Lord is with you when you are with him. If you seek
him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.” (2 Chronicles 15:2, NIV)
It would be
easy for me to give in and fall in line. I have enough faith to serve the
cause. The problem is that I no longer believe that any Christian cause I may
follow holds any more real truths than any other religion, cult or belief
structure. God is not exclusive to “the Way.” I could fake it. I could
artificially earn my salvation, appearing saved to others while lost within
myself. I just can’t do it. I just can’t say that I am okay with the
representation of God claimed through the Judeo-Christian scriptures. It’s not
okay for God to be more human than Holy, more punisher than Prince. It’s not
okay. I would have to once again trust that any entity watching over me has my
best interests in mind. Such a deity that would be willing to disrupt reality
with magical answers to prayers, prayers, that for the most part are self-serving.
In fact, the Church and the Bible
have been so misguided when telling us just where we came from that I find it
impossible to listen when they tell me where I am going. It is a narrow path
indeed. I seek but cannot find. I knock but no doors open. I have found it and
its like there is nothing there.
“God warned the people of an earthquake that would swallow
up the waters of the land. The water that replaced them would make everyone
insane. Only the prophet took God seriously. He saved up a supply of water in
his mountain cave to last him till he died. Sure enough, the earthquake came,
the water vanished and new water tilled the streams and lakes and rivers. A few
months later the prophet came down to the plains. Everyone had indeed gone mad,
and attacked him, for they thought it was he who was insane. So the prophet
went back to his mountain cave, glad for the water he had saved. But he could
not bear his loneliness so he went down to the plains once more. Again he was
rejected by the people for he was so unlike them. The prophet then succumbed.
He threw away the water he had saved, drank the new water with the people and
became one with them in their insanity. The way to Truth is narrow. You always
walk alone.”
(The Narrow Path - Song
of the Bird, Anthony De Mello 1982)
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