Facebooked

            I joined Facebook on March 2^nd, 2007. The first few years of membership were more blank pages than anything else. I didn’t really use the service, my profile just sat there with little to no expression. I’m not sure I displayed anything until after the death of my Mother in 2010. Something within me needed a platform for my grief. Although I started blogging, I also started posting. I will admit that it took me some time to adjust to using social media. I joined Twitter, I joined Tumblr, I even joined Linked In. Each one was more a vehicle for promotion of my blog than anything else. The entire Facebook experience seemed so lacking to me then. I had never really been one for chatting online. The death of Windows Live Messenger meant the demise of anything remotely social on my part. I didn’t have much to say to anyone. I would post, then abandon the cause until the urge would return. It always did. Year after year, I found myself immersed, little by little, day after day. Eventually, I reached the limit on my friends list. I hoarded the 5000 strangers like they were sheep or cattle. Using Facebook turned from mere propaganda to 

an enticing habit, one I continue to explore to this day.   
            Over the years, my Facebook experience evolved from mere publicity. I started to engage with others, allowing interaction and involvement well beyond the springboard I maintained to that point. Slowly but surely I began to develop actual relationships, something that up to that time I thought would be nothing more than artificial and benign. I never really understood how someone could call one of their contacts anything but that. My evolution on Facebook was a slow but worthy endeavour. While I still prefer not to chat, I find myself immersed in the lives of the people whom I choose to associate with online. My persona is carefully contained. My involvement is limited but sincere. I never would have imagined that one day I would consider some voice from the internet my friend, let alone someone I care about. A decade ago, I would have laughed in your face if you claimed some form of love for a cyber buddy. I could not conceive of such a thing. Somewhere amidst all the emojis, in the unsolicited guidance and political rhetoric, I managed to find great moments of laughter and fun. I have even experienced moments of pure grief and sadness. I finally understand why so many people use this platform for dialogue and friendship. I don’t really have any problems that I need to share with the world. My relationship is long lasting. I have more than enough friends. There is nothing for me to really promote beyond the blog I post weekly. Still, I find myself somehow captured by the words and online pranks of others. I am charmed by many and resigned by few. I have become Facebooked.

“Digiphrenia is really the experience of trying to exist in more than one incarnation of yourself at the same time. There’s your Twitter profile, there’s your Facebook profile, there’s your email inbox. And all of these sort of multiple instances of you are operating simultaneously and in parallel.” (Douglas Rushkoff, American media theorist)

            There are many characters I interact with on Facebook. Some are mere monograms, passing quickly before my eyes. Some have lingered, maintaining something although I have no real idea what that might be. Some I have known for mere moments, others I have cherished for a more substantial amount of time. Each profile, each new friend, brings something unique and special to the mix of beings already on my list. Some of these contacts fade quickly, my positions and opinions nothing but the reason to withdraw themselves. Sometimes people fail to respect your opinion although they make damn sure you know you are required to like theirs. My “blocked” option is fully locked and loaded. It is not lost on me that I have more people on that blocked list than most people have on their friends list. I see no purpose in wasting my time on someone who only respects their own perspective. For the most part, the people I engage with on a daily basis are harmless. I have come to a place where there is fondness for many of them. It has always been a foreign idea for me, this caring about people you wouldn’t recognize if you walked past them on a street. It is true, nonetheless. Somewhere along the way, my position has been reformatted. I have been overcome with the good in others. Each one matters to me, just like they would if they existed in my real world.

            Perhaps the saddest part of this story is my relationship with Donna. She lived in the same city that hosted my post-secondary experience. My family lives both in and surrounding London, Ontario. I never met Donna, although it could have been easily arranged. We were not fast friends. She seemed to hover over my profile, always present and eager to say more. I didn’t like her at first but she grew on me. Eventually a cyber buddy turned into a friend. I cared about her. When she revealed her cancer to me, I supported her the best way I knew how. I listened. She never whined or complained about her illness. Our friendship turned from pretend to present. I was glad to be a shoulder that she leaned on. She was one strong lady, that’s for sure. After months of testing and chemotherapy, the cancer finally took her. She passed away in February of this year, a week after our last conversation. One day, she just disappeared. I noticed her departure. It took three days for someone to post information on her profile. I have to admit I was not surprised by this turn of events. Anyone who cared to notice would have seen it coming. Still, I was deeply saddened by her passing. I may not have met her but I knew her. It seems strange to me when I look back on it all. My grief was so moving, a side effect of caring, I suppose. I just never expected to really give a shit. There wasn’t anything magical about my friendship with Donna. In a sense, we made the choice to be more than mere profile pics. Despite the platform, our camaraderie was as real as any traditional friendship would be. She was, literally, my friend.

            There are so many Facebook faces that I notice. Some stand closer than others and some are merely whispers that only make an occasional appearance. Since last winter, I think it would be fair to say that I entertain favourites from my friends list. They know who they are. I realized with Donna’s death that it was possible to have a relationship with someone on the other side of a computer screen. It has much more substance than I would have ever imagined. Loss changed the way I view my contacts. These days, I invest much more with a few than I do with the many. I am selective but only as an afterthought. I make an effort because it is worth it to me. It doesn’t matter how many people read my blog or like my postings. Even a lesser interaction can make some person’s day. Often, the posts of others will strike me in the same manner that I try to strike them. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed but every day I make that effort. I consciously post no matter what I may be doing that day. I try to post each hour, if I can find the time. Working mostly from home has its benefits.  I take a short break from life to tend to my newest obligation. It’s almost like Facebook has become a shelter for me. If I want to laugh, or watch a cat, or share a memory, I need only engage. I am fortunate to have actual people in my friends list who seem to care. I wonder if they have any idea just how much they have come to mean. I find it odd, to a degree, that Facebook has become an Otherland of sorts just as real-time friendship has become disposable.

“I feel like I’m part of a generation of people who are stuck in the past and are really self-absorbed. I mean, we’re actually taking pictures of ourselves and posting them on Facebook, and keeping in touch with people that should have been out of our lives 15 years ago.” (Diablo Cody, American author)

            It’s hard not to get attached to someone you interact with every day of your life. It doesn’t matter that each interaction occurs using electronic components, it is interaction all the same. You get to know people over time, you get to expect them to be there when you sit down for a moment of escape. You can even come to rely on others just like we do in real-time. A friend is a friend is a friend. You can’t be a little bit pregnant. Still, on occasion, I find myself looking at Facebook and wondering why I bother. Most of the people using this vehicle seem to simply want attention and try as they might to get it. There are a few that make it worth my while. Donna aside, Pearl is probably my favourite soul. She entertains and interacts with little standing in her way. She has become someone I care about, even if she is a girl. Jorge and I have exchanged much with each other for many years now. I have followed him and I know he follows me. There is great fondness between us even though we have never met. Dan challenges me and John confuses me (in the best kind of way). Kate is just plain smart and oh so pretty. I’ve known Kathy and Lindsey since high school. It is nice to have people you like that you’ve known in person. Herb, despite his political views, is a constant over the last few years. I appreciate his approach and that he treats everyone with the same respect. I have noticed his character. In my contacts I have my family, and Ben’s family and friends I talk to more in person than online.  I like Mary, oh so contrary, even if she is originally a friend of my partner’s, just like Erica. There is Mike and Cookie and my dear friend Juan. One contact, Shawn, struggles publicly with his addiction. He is an inspiration every time he posts his status. Be it Carol or KD or Lynda or Scott, or even Cassie and Coleen, each has become a touchstone of sorts, a part of my life I never expected or thought would be. There are even those individuals that have tricked me into thinking they were worth it. I won’t make that mistake again.

            I went to high school with Teresa and was more than a little surprised to learn she was not only a Minister with the Christian Church but a lesbian to boot. I befriended her hoping that the camaraderie we shared in high school would find itself once again between us. I was wrong. Over a 3 month period I made attempt after attempt to reintroduce myself. How many chances does one get to restore something long ago lost? The best thing I got from her was nothing at all. I blocked her in resignation. Danny was someone I knew since the end of public school. We had history. With another buddy to help us along, at 14 years old we experimented. It didn’t last very long. I accepted his friend request and all seemed quite well for a few short months. One afternoon he began to post homophobic comments on his profile. When I asked him why the change of heart, he posted more. I guess it’s true when they say that the louder you scream, the harder you suck. I blocked him in protest. I was friends with Misty for over 5 years. We interacted daily with each other, posting on each other’s profiles, and engaging where appropriate. I have to admit I considered her a featured member of my fan club. She was a favourite and I recognized her among all the other voices on Facebook. Out of nowhere she began to post pro-Trump rhetoric, alt-right in nature and rather disturbing. When I posted right back at her, she began with the homophobic crap. It bothered me that I wasn’t aware, I didn’t see this part of her before. I felt deceived. I checked to make sure her account wasn’t hacked. I was more disappointed in myself for having been duped than I was at the thought of no longer associating with her. I blocked her regardless.

“It’s just madness. First email. Then instant message. Then MySpace. Then Facebook. Then LinkedIn. Then Twitter. It’s not enough anymore to ‘Just do it.’ Now we have to tell everyone we are doing it, when we are doing it, where we are doing it and why we are doing it.” (Mark McKinnon, American media columnist)

            Relationships are pretty much the same regardless of where we harvest them from. The medium doesn’t matter, the moments do. This modern age and the technology it brings only makes it easier to interact with strangers and those we love. Sometimes one becomes the other. I have come to understand that there is little difference between a friendship based in cyberspace and a friendship formed in the real world. Sometimes it is even easier to get close to someone you know that you will never meet. There is a wall that comes down when we let it. The fundamentals all apply. It is trust and respect and consideration that will determine the extent of any relationship, whether online or not. I am grateful for each one of my contacts, even if there are some more familiar than others. I have been ridiculed for having 5000 friends on Facebook. People just don’t understand the attraction. I’m not sure I do either. At the end of the day however, it is mostly the people I interact with on social media that define the day for me. They make me laugh. They make me think. They make me feel. They have become important for what they are in spite of what they are not.

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